the end is just the beggining!
by snoopygal16
Summary: ryan atwood faced a tragedy at a very young age, but now has finally moved on. what happens when what he believed to be the truth is actually a lie? how will he react to the only thing that has the capacity to shake his world and yet make him whole? revie
1. prologue:seth and taylor chat!

_Hey, this is my first fanfic, so, bear with me I may not be very good at it... My story picks up 5 months after Marissa's death and in case you're a taylor/ryan shipper then maybe you'd want to skip the prologue. It's not for taylor/ryan fans. __**Also this prologue is really for those people who don't know what has happened between them, as a background. I wrote it for a friend of mine who hasn't seen the o.c but still wanted to read the story. So feel free to just skip it if u're getting bored.**_

_It's my point of view of what happened between them over the years. Well, in the story its Seth's point of view. Ryan and Marissa's relationship is a little less harsh than on the show (mostly about the Johnny part because I really think that josh had run out of ideas to show trouble between them) but I needed to show it that way to lay the background on my future chapters. Also Seth's character is more serious than normal, but rest assured it is only for this chapter. In the next chapters we will have the Seth that we love and adore so read and reviews are welcome. I firmly believe that everyone has their own set of opinions and therefore I will not try to change them. But this is mine, so enjoy…_

Prologue 

He watched her sitting there, all alone, a thin strip of a girl, her blonde hair blowing in the wind, her eyes staring out in the ocean, her face full of an incomprehensible question mark. Her hands gripped the sand beneath, trying to hold it as it kept slipping further and further away. He walked towards her…

**S eth: hey, Taylor sailor, whatcha doing?**

She looked up.. Surprise on her face,

**Taylor: wallowing in my misery. And that's a bad nickname.**

**Seth: ah, well, I've learned from a pro. Summer once called Marissa, Cooper-Scooper.**

**Taylor: ah… Marissa!**

Seth looked at Taylor. Clearly she was having some post- mortem problems.

**Seth: need some company?**

**Taylor: sure, why not? Its not like the sand is giving me any, it keeps slipping away..**

**Seth: wonder why?**

They both stare at the ocean for a while, lost in their own thoughts.

**Seth: so tell me again, why aren't you out following that lip sucking, face smacking friend of mine like you've been doing for the past month?**

**Taylor: maybe because he doesn't want to be anywhere near me.**

**Seth: that's unlike him. **(Smirking, 'coz Ryan had done exactly that for the better part of the month)

**Taylor: it's very like him, when he is thinking about Her.**

Seth looked at Taylor.

**Seth: That might explain it.**

**Taylor: (sighed) it's been five months, but even now there are times when he just zones off. And if I try asking him about her, he just shuts up. I really don't know what to do.**

He had seen this coming but he wanted to know why.

**Seth: why did you ask him about her?**

Taylor looked at Seth. It was important that Seth understood.

Taylor: I just thought that maybe if I could understand their relationship better, understand what they had better, I could help him deal with it.

Seth: I don't think you can. I don't think anyone can. Not in this.

Taylor: will you tell me about them? About Ryan and Marissa?

Seth: the famously infamous couple? I am not sure I am the right person to.

Taylor: right now, you are the only person who could, and I am desperate.

Seth: it's a lot of stuff..

Taylor: I have a lot of time..

Seth looked at her hopeful expression, at the really pleading look in her eyes. She was watching him like a drowning person would watch a raft. He wasn't sure he could even do justice to it, but for her he would try!

Seth: Okay, so Ryan and Marissa, I don't even know from where to begin. There is so much to tell.

Taylor: why don't you start at the start? The day he first met her..

Seth: that would have to be four years back. The very first day that Ryan came to Newport. She was the first person that Ryan met. You wouldn't have recognized him back then, he was so different.

Taylor: you mean different from what he is now?

Seth: very. He was one of the most hurt, alone and lost kids I have ever seen.

Taylor: why?

Seth: maybe because his dad was in jail, his brother was in jail, his mom was an alcoholic and her boyfriend threw him out.

Taylor: oh!

Seth: he had no one to turn to, except his attorney. That was my dad. And my dad took pity on him and brought him home. That was the day he first met her. I think for him it was like meeting a long lost friend when he had no one else and nothing else going for him in his life and I think it was the same for her. They just connected, I guess, on a level that we only wish that we could understand!

Taylor: what? Like love at first sight?

Seth: oh, I think it was more than that. It was an understanding that passed between them, to stand by each other come what may, that very first night that they met. And they did, in more ways than one. That is the closest I can come to describing it, really.

Taylor: I remember Marissa Cooper from four years back. She was this girl whom everyone wanted to be like. Always so popular, grade point averaging A, social chair, really beautiful. I think I was really jealous.

Seth: Hold that thought. She was that and so much more. She had one of the hardest lives I have ever seen. I don't think I would want anyone to have that kind of life.

Taylor: why? People dream about being like her.

Seth: oh, if only they knew the harsher reality behind those dreams.

Seth stared into the ocean remembering the girl he had known for three years, remembering what she had meant to all of them. How could he explain to this girl the moments that they had shared, the times that they still cherished? She had been like a burning flame. All people could see was the light and the shine that she emitted, they couldn't see the fact that underneath it all, she burnt.

Seth: so where was I? Oh yeah, so when Ryan came, my mom did not want him in the house, seeing as Ryan was a felon. He had helped his brother steal a car. But that is another story all together. My mom decided that he should go to foster care but Ryan did not want that. he decided to take off and flee to Mexico instead. I did not want him to go, seeing as he was my only friend, so I took him to this place, this construction home that my mom owned. It was called "the model home". It became Ryan and Marissa's model home later.

Taylor: because they first got together there?

Seth: (chuckled) no, because they first broke up there, even before they went out!

Taylor: what?

Seth: (grinned) Marissa was with Luke back then.

Taylor: the water polo captain?

Seth: the very same. Still she decided to come with us that day, help Ryan settle down, even though she barely knew him. They began talking that night and I think they each told the other everything about their lives, Stuff that they couldn't share with anyone before.

Taylor: Ryan talked?

Seth: with her, he always talked, ever since the first moment. So anyway, the night before Ryan was going to leave Newport forever, Marissa was at one of those Newport parties. Somebody, I think Luke, abused Ryan, and Marissa couldn't take it. She just left, walked out on Luke straight to the model home.

Taylor: Ryan must have been happy.

Seth: Ryan told her to get out, told her they were from two different worlds and this wouldn't work.

Taylor: and she left?

Seth: no. She told him that it wasn't true, that they weren't that much different, that she had never felt this way with any one before. And Ryan still told her to go away, to leave. And he was pretty harsh about it.

Taylor: why?

Seth: I don't know. I think Ryan felt he didn't deserve her. I think he felt that if she stayed, if they spent the night, he would never be able to leave her and go. I don't know. Bt the bottom line was that in spite of the fact that he desperately wanted her, he made her go away.

Taylor: that must have broken her heart.

Seth: yeah it did.

Taylor: then what happened?

Seth: one way or the other, my mom finally accepted Ryan and he stayed back in Newport.

Taylor: and they got together?

Seth: not quite. You see, on one hand there was her mom and pretty much all of her friends who believed that Luke was perfect for her and on the other hand there was Ryan, an ex-felon, with no family, living in someone else's pool house, whom she wasn't even sure, wanted her much.

Taylor: ouch, tough choice to make. What did she chose?

Seth: can't you guess?

Taylor: Luke?

Seth: no, Ryan

Except she took a lot of time choosing and when she did come back for Ryan, she saw him making out in the pool house with another woman.

Taylor: that must have hit her hard.

Seth: very. It sent her straight back to Luke's arms.

Taylor: oh oh. Then what happened?

Seth: trip to Tijuana. That was the biggest fiasco I have ever been a part of and I have been a part of many. Marissa didn't want to come to T.J at all but summer convinced her to. And since we were the only ride left she had to come with us, which neither Ryan nor Marissa were happy about. Anyways, to cut a long story short, I ran our car off the road and we had to spend the night at a sleazy motel.

Taylor: did Ryan and Marissa get back together then?

Seth: they hadn't really started going out in the first place but I know what you mean. And to answer your question, they couldn't. That was the night Marissa's dad called to tell her that he and her mom were going to get a divorce and that he might go to jail and Marissa was devastated. The next day when we finally reached T.J Marissa caught Luke cheating on her with holly, and I think she just snapped, with all that was going on in her life. She took summer's mom's pills and O.D'd on them.

Taylor: oh shit.

Seth: that's when Ryan rescued her. Not only in T.J but later from her mom too. Marissa's mom wanted to send her to a mental institution and Ryan prevented it.

Taylor: wow!

Seth: yeah, it was a sight, Ryan taking on Julie cooper!

Taylor: and Ryan and Marissa got together.

Seth: they did. By that point they were so close to each other, so in love with each other, that it wasn't really a question anymore. They felt they could tell each other anything, share with each other anything, and the other would accept.

Taylor: this sounds like a fairytale.

Seth: it would have been, except for Oliver trask!

Taylor: who is Oliver?

Seth: some guy Marissa picked up during her visits to the psychiatrist.

Taylor: she was going to see a psychiatrist? Why?

Seth: well for one, she had overdosed, whatever the reason might have been, and for the other, she was caught shoplifting and drinking. She wouldn't have gone but Ryan convinced her to, coz he thought it was for her own good. And she went, for him. That's where she met Oliver. He played Ryan against Marissa all the while creating doubts in both of their minds coz he was in love with Marissa. Ryan tried telling her that the guy was crazy but she didn't believe him, and it really hurt him that after all they had been through she still wouldn't believe him, until Oliver drew a gun on Marissa.

Taylor: oh shit

Seth: nothing happened. Ryan reached there just in time to save her, but by now she had broken his trust beyond repair and Ryan broke off with her.

Taylor: this is so sad.

Seth: it was, for both of them, because none of them had stopped loving each other, none of them had stopped caring. But by now, Ryan just didn't feel that he could trust her again with his heart, so he had a fling with Teresa. It lasted only a few days, long enough for him to realize that he couldn't be with her and they got back together.

Taylor: and then they got there happily ever after?

Seth: not quite!

Taylor: what else could have gone wrong?

Seth: well, Teresa got pregnant, and she told Marissa about it. Marissa had to be the one to tell Ryan that he was the father.

Taylor: oh God!

Seth: but she supported Ryan through it all, no questions asked. Finally when Teresa decided to have the baby, she even let Ryan go, when she was the only one who could have stopped him!

Taylor: why would she do that? Let the love of her life just walk away?

Seth: because that's the way they are with each other. That's the way they love each other, that's the way they care for each other. She knew that Ryan wasn't the kind of person who would let his son grow up without a father and she just didn't want him to make that kind of choice, so she made it for him. She let him go. I think it was the hardest decision she made, watching him walk out of her life.

Taylor: what happened then?

Seth: Ryan came back.

Taylor: that must have been a very happy moment.

Seth: that look on their face, when they first saw each other, that's one of the happiest looks I have ever seen. It was like magic.

Taylor: then they took off where they left.

Seth: they wanted to. They almost did, but then Ryan caught Marissa kissing the yard guy.

Taylor: what? Why? She was clearly in love with Ryan.

Seth: and Ryan wasn't coming back. He had gone with Teresa. I don't know why she did it but my guess is that when Ryan left she got really lonely and the yard guy was there. But anyways, that kiss that Ryan saw, that was a good-bye kiss. She was breaking up with D.J (yard guy). So in one moment Marissa lost the love of her life and the yard guy.

Ryan decided he wasn't having anything to do with Marissa, wasn't even willing to listen to her name for a while there. Except I thought it weird that he was there for her just when she needed him. But then, that's Ryan and Marissa for you.

Taylor: how did they get back together?

Seth: Marissa helped Ryan with something. Trey, that's Ryan's brother, got out of jail and he didn't have a place to live. Ryan didn't want him anywhere near him because he was trey, but Marissa helped Ryan realize that underneath all the anger, he really wanted trey, no needed him, seeing as he was the only family Ryan had left. She helped trey in all the ways that she could, bailing him out of a few areas, and thus helped Ryan.

Taylor: so then they got back together.

Seth: that's the thing, even if she wouldn't have done this, they would still have gotten back together. They could never stay apart from each other for long. But this just speeded up the process a little bit.

Taylor: don't tell me something else went wrong.

Seth: Trey tried to rape Marissa.

Taylor: oh my God!

Seth: and Marissa didn't tell Ryan coz she knew how Ryan would react, knew it would break whatever friendship Ryan and Trey had managed to form. But Ryan knew something was up. He could read Marissa very well, except in this case he thought trey and Marissa might have had an affair.

Taylor: I am sure Marissa told him the truth then.

Seth: she didn't. She knew Ryan would kill trey if he found out. But then Ryan came back to her anyways coz I think deep down Ryan really trusted her and wouldn't believe that she could do something like that.

Taylor: how sweet. But Ryan should have been told the truth. What if Trey tried the same thing again?

Seth: that was my logic at the time too. I told Ryan what happened when I found out and turns out Marissa was right. I have never seen Ryan so angry as then. He just snapped. He went after trey to kill him. Marissa reached there just in time to see trey killing Ryan and she knew she had only one choice left.

Taylor: what?

Seth: she shot trey with his own gun.

Taylor: oh my God!

Seth: trey was in a coma that entire summer of the third year, and life was horrible for both of them. They didn't know what was going to happen, everything was hanging, waiting for trey to wake up.

Taylor: I feel so bad. I acted so horribly towards her.

Seth: everyone did back then, except the 3 of us who knew the truth. She had always been on a pedestal her entire life, the most popular girl, the most beautiful girl, the social chair and all of a sudden she had become a murderer. It didn't matter to them that she had done that to save someone's life, it didn't matter to them that she had not gone to jail, its like her life was already ruined. What was remarkable about the whole thing was that she could just as easily have stayed on the pedestal, shrugged the whole thing off, blamed the whole thing on Ryan, coz the police already did. But she didn't do that. She stuck by him through it all, even when his own brother wouldn't.

Taylor: wow!

Seth: except it wasn't, not for Marissa at least. She got kicked out of harbour, went to public school, lived in a trailer park, and life never was the same for her anymore.

Taylor: how did Ryan handle all of it?

Seth: by being with her throughout, by supporting her throughout, by loving her throughout. They had each seen the other at their best and their worst. I mean they had come to a point where they just didn't need words anymore. They could carry on entire conversations without speaking a word. It was creepy being in the same room with them some time. It was like they were married! It wasn't even a question in our minds much less theirs; it was only a matter of time.

Taylor: what went wrong?

Seth: it was a mixture of everything really! Ryan's inability to talk

Taylor: I thought Ryan could speak anything in front of her

Seth: but to really talk about Trey to her? Help her when she was having nightmares about Trey?

Taylor: okay, that's a tall order.

Seth: very tall. But mainly it was complicated by the fact that Marissa and Ryan each believed that they were responsible at ruining the others life, so they couldn't really talk. Then Marissa met Johnny. He was a kid in her school with whom she began talking about all this stuff and he in turn fell in love with her. That's when everything started. Ryan was increasingly jealous as Marissa increasingly began spending time with Johnny until one fine day Ryan gave her an ultimatum. Chose Johnny or me? And when Marissa chose Ryan, Johnny went mad and he slipped off a cliff!

Taylor: you mean he just..

Seth: yeah. Ryan was with him when that happened. After that Marissa just shut Ryan out. Too much had happened between them, she wouldn't talk to him, she'd begun drinking again. Ryan just couldn't take it anymore, and he broke off with her.

Taylor: that is so sad…

Seth: after that, she just went on a downward spiral, way down. She began taking drugs, drinking, bad company, and the works. Its like she lost touch with reality. She had lost too much. she had nothing left.

Taylor: what did Ryan do?

Seth: what does Ryan always do? He went after her, got her out of there, got her back on track. But this time they didn't get back even though both of them knew that they were desperately in love. I think it was Marissa's decision. She wasn't ready. She was too broken. She just wanted to get away. And I think a part of her wanted to leave for Ryan. The night of the accident, that was the night she was leaving, Ryan was driving. He had asked her one last favor, to let him be the last one to say goodbye. I think he wanted to tell her that he understood why she had to go away. He understood she needed this time for herself but nevertheless he still loved her and he always would. But he never got the chance. They got in an accident and Ryan has never been the same again. He just lost a part of himself that night, a part, which I don't think can be replaced.

Taylor: That is the saddest story I have ever heard. So much love, so much pain. I think I now understand why Ryan can never forget her. And also why he can never love me the way he loved her.

Seth: Wait, no. I didn't tell you this all this, so that you can give up on him.

Taylor: I didn't. He did. He gave me some weird reason about college and stuff, but I knew the real reason. He had dreamt of her again and he just couldn't bring himself to be with me how much ever he tried.

Seth: I am so sorry!

Taylor: no, don't be. I don't think it is my cup of tea saving Ryan or even making him whole. Only one person could do that.

Seth: and she is dead.


	2. The long goodbye!

THE LAST GOODBYE"

(9 months after Marissa's death…)

_**He saw her smiling, laughing, and calling him, wind blowing through her hair, her brilliant blue eyes sparkling. He ran to her, picked her up, laughed, then kissed her… strong, hard, then moved to kiss her again. She dodged him playfully, laughed up at him and ran, "come and get me" .he ran after her, laughing, playing, challenging. She was such a minx and he was going to get her, and when he did… **_

_**Then the tide changed. She was crying, all alone. Something had gone horribly wrong, something that couldn't be changed. It was going to cost her. Maybe her love… no that couldn't be. Maybe her life…yes, that was easier.**_

_**Then the images changed again. He saw her all alone, looking at him with tears in her eyes. She was trying to tell him something. What is wrong baby? Please tell me? Let me in. please. Please. She was telling him she had to go. She was telling him to understand. She was telling him it was for the best. No that couldn't be. Please, not her. Not her. But she wasn't listening. And then the time was gone, lost forever. But fuck, that couldn't be. One last chance please? Please? God, please? **_

_**Then the Images blurred and he saw her like the first time, standing alone at the end of the driveway. She looked at him. Then gave him a smile. And something lit up inside him. Something that changed him forever .she kissed him and he felt alive. They made love and he thought he'd reached heaven. This was it. This was where he belonged. **_

_**And then the tide changed again .she was walking away from him, slowly, surely, towards the sea. No… no… don't go there. Don't do that, u'll drown. Please come back. But she was not listening. She was still walking. He ran after her. He had to save her, save her before she went there. But he couldn't reach her. Why couldn't he? Why was she so far away? They were always so close? What was wrong now? Common, run harder, run faster. But how much ever he tried he just couldn't reach her. Every time he came near her, she kept slipping away. Please, please God. He had to reach her. He couldn't go on without her. She was going under water. She turned back one last time, looked at him, whispered his name, and then disappeared… forever… **_

And Ryan Atwood awoke with a start.

He was breathing hard. His entire body was drenched in sweat. His eyes burned with the strength of holding back silent tears that threatened to fall down his cheek. Bile rose in his throat, its taste bitter and unreal. An involuntary cry of pain escaped his mouth. A permanent scent of copper indelibly invaded his nostrils. But Ryan didn't notice this. He didn't care coz at this moment he was too busy trying to re-live one last part of his dream hoping that some how, some way he could change that.

But that was impossible. She had died and nothing could change that.

He sighed, his hands moving over his face roughly, as his eyes tightly shut down trying to blanche the pain. It didn't work. She had died in one breath. He had to live with it for the rest of his life. He slowly opened his eyes and stared at the infinite space of darkness that lay ahead.

_Nothing was ever going to be the same again._

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Kirsten walked in through the pool house door and looked around before her eyes came to rest on the young man sitting so silently at the far end of the bed, oblivious to everything, in a world of his own. Everything was just as it had been when he had first come to live here. The same covers were on the bed, the same rug was on the floor, the room was still as spick and span, and yet the man she now saw sitting here all by himself staring at nothing in particular had changed. She could see it in the way he was sitting, the way he was holding his neck, the odd angle in which he was tilting his face, the way his shoulders drooped. It was nothing overt, nothing that you could pinpoint. It was just a feeling that you got when you looked at him, like there was a perpetual problem that he was trying to come to terms with but couldn't, like somehow someway living had just become that, living! There was no life in it. That easy laughter, that sparkle in the eye, that casual banter, was lost. It was something that you sometimes saw in a 60 year old man who had seen it all, done it all and was tired of it all but would never expect to see in a 19-year-old boy who was going off to college the very next day and starting a new and exciting phase of his life. But she was seeing it now, in her own son, and had been seeing it for 9 months now to be exact. And every time she saw it, it just broke her heart!

"Hey…"

Ryan looked up, startled, the sound barely jarring him out of his ever present thoughts.

"Didn't hear you come in", he said, before turning to stare at that inconsequential spot again.

"I should have knocked, but then again I never did!" the moment she uttered the words, she gasped! Long ago, in happier times she had come across them in the pool house without knocking and seen them making out. It was very embarrassing and it had become like an inside joke. A year back she wouldn't have thought twice about saying it, but now... She looked at him, saw the naked pain slash across his eyes for a moment before his face assumed a blank expression, as if he was carved of stone.

"Honey... I didn't mean... I mean... I..." she stumbled and stuttered...

"You wanted to see me about something?" Ryan asked her sharply cutting her off, his body held rigidly as if he was physically trying to ward off the memories and the pain…

"Uh, I actually came to make sure you were all set for tomorrow. I mean you are starting college, a new phase in your life, it is very exciting"

"Is it?" Ryan asked sarcastically and Kirsten winced at his absolutely dry response.

"I am going to miss you guys so much," she continued, trying to bring false cheer into his voice, even more flustered than before. "I am feeling as if I am saying goodbye to you. Sandy keeps saying that I will see you guys on holidays and all but it just isn't going to be the same.

"It is never going to be the same again". Ryan replied shortly and they both knew he wasn't talking about going away. He was talking about what his life had become now.

"Ryan…" she sighed unable to take it any longer.

But Ryan cut her off yet again.

"I am not sure I am going to college".

Kirsten opened her mouth to argue but then stopped short, looking at his fiercely determined face, seeing the bleak dejection in his eyes, hearing the utter hopelessness in his words. She wanted to reduce the pain, comfort him, and assure him that somehow; someway they would make it through.

"Oh honey… it doesn't have to be like that," she cried.

But she was already too late. He had already left…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seth looked at the frantic messages left on his mobile by his girlfriend. They all read along the same lines of "Cohen, you ass, pick up the phone right now." Now in his world, it was nothing new for him to hear messages like this, so he didn't think anything of it when he dialed her number, but what he heard had him almost dropping the phone.

"What? Are you serious?" he gasped!

"Would I be joking about something like this?", came the caustic reply of his girl friend from the other end.

"Well, you have laid on me some nasty ones before!"

"But about this?" she asked in the same haughty voice that made her Summer Roberts, the queen of Newport.

"Okay, granted", he acknowledged, "But then, how? Why? It's crazy!"

"I know, I only came to know about it right now", she explained.

"Then you are more honored than most people over here", Seth said, a touch of asperity in his voice.

_To think that… well, it was impossible, but Summer said… well…_

"Or dishonored, depending about how you look at it", she replied seriously, "It'll be my responsibility to tell everyone and I am not sure I can".

"But you have to. Everyone has to know, especially…,"

"That is the one person who cannot know" she said, as firmly as she could, quickly cutting him off "That is the condition".

"Oh my God!" Seth was never one to say 'oh my god…' He usually had a better grip on quips to make. However, nothing else came out of bumbling, grumbling, mouth…

"Meet me at the diner tomorrow and I will tell you all about it". She gushed, clicking the phone shut and leaving Seth hanging with his mouth open.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ryan stood next to her grave, an empty look in his eyes as he stared at her engravement.

"_**In memory of Marissa Cooper**_

_**1988 – 2006**_

_**A loving daughter... And a friend"**_

_How had it come to all this?_

_When had it come to all this? _

_When had she become a piece of cold stone in the mud?_

It always surprised him because it felt just like yesterday when he had first walked down the driveway and seen her, standing there, it felt just like yesterday when she had made that cd for him, it felt just like yesterday when she had ridden behind him on his bike closing his eyes, not a care in the world, it felt just like yesterday when he had heard her laugh, felt her lips on his, and it goddamn fucking felt just like yesterday when he had held her long body next to his!

_**I heard there was a secret chord,**_

_**That David played to please the lord,**_

_**But you don't really care for music do ya?**_

_**It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth,**_

_**The minor fall, the major lift,**_

_**And the baffled poet composing hallelujah**_

_**Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.**_

"Hey…" he whispered softly, leaning down as he slowly sat beside the cold stone.

_Their relationship had always been unique… something that couldn't be explained even if they had tried. People always assumed it was her beauty, her innocence, her world that had drawn him in. It wasn't. It was her heart…_

_Her beautiful, gorgeous, ever forgiving, ever loving heart… _

_He had always found the solace that he required in her eyes, and however bad the situation might be, he had always found his salvation there._

_She was his friend, she was his lover, she was his soul-mate…_

"You understand, right? Right?" his eyes glazed over as he spoke, and his voice was a broken whisper of pain. "Why I can't go to college? I … I cant let you go, I can't go there without you..."

_**Your faith was strong but you needed proof,**_

_**You saw her bathing on the roof,**_

_**Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew ya,**_

_**She tied you to her kitchen chair,**_

_**She broke your throne and she cut your hair,**_

_**And from your lips she drew the hallelujah,**_

_**Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.**_

"She would have wanted you to", someone whispered from the shadows and startled he whirled around.

_Its only Julie. Its only Julie. Its only Julie._

He felt his breath coming in short gasps.

_It's not her…_

He forced himself to relax.

"Julie?"

Julie came out of the shadows and looked at him sadly. "She would have wanted you to go to college because she loved you so much, more than life itself, more than anyone else, even when you weren't together"

_You didn't deserve her love, and she still loved you._

Ryan felt the words whirl in his mind

_You fucking told her to go to sleep, and she still loved you._

_You left her time and time again, and she still loved you. _

_You made her feel like she had no one in this world and she still loved you. _

_Your brother raped her and she still loved you. _

_Her blood is on your hands and she still LOVES you._

"I know", he choked, then turned his face away before she could see the sheen of tears that had once again pooled… dammit Ryan Atwood doesn't cry. He fucking doesn't cry like a girl… he fucking wishes he could cry…

_**And baby I've been here before,**_

_**I've seen this room and I've walked this floor,**_

_**I used to live alone before I knew ya,**_

_**I've seen your face on the marble arch,**_

_**And love is not a victory march,**_

_**It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah,**_

_**Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.**_

"She wanted me to give this to you, before you went to college. She wrote it before she left", Julie softly explained, handing him the envelope that her daughter had given her so long ago. A lump formed in her throat as she thought of that day. Her daughter had been trying to move on, to make something of herself. God, life wasn't fair…

Ryan looked at the envelope in her hand like it was going to bite him. He so wanted to touch it, feel the last words of the one person he had loved above everything else, the one person who had loved him unconditionally. But he was scared. He had spent so much of his time trying to steel himself and this one look at this one single piece of paper was going to open the dam. He didn't know if he was ready for the deluge of memories he knew were going to assault him. He also knew he had no choice. With trembling fingers he lifted it up.

_**There was a time when you let me know**_

_**What's really going on below,**_

_**But now you don't show that to me do ya?**_

_**But remember when I moved in you**_

_**And the holy dove was moving too**_

_**And from our lips it drew the hallelujah,**_

_**Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.**_

"I… thanks…," he mumbled, then turned to leave

"Ryan… wait," Julie said, stopping him in his tracks. She needed to explain to him something, find her own salvation somehow, her own form of closure. "I know we haven't exactly seen eye to eye where Marissa is concerned and I know some of the things I have done to you in the past were really horrible but… I…I am sorry…", she looked down at her feet.

Never had Julie Cooper done that… looked at her feet when she was speaking to someone. But today, it felt right, right that she shouldn't look into his eyes when she apologized. Because, she didn't think she deserved it any way.

"Don't mention it…" he said giving her a slight smile and Julie visibly relaxed.

"You are like family to me now, if you ever need anything…"

"I'll keep in touch."

Julie felt a smile forming on her lips. If only her daughter had been alive to see her and Ryan's newfound truce… she would have been so proud. She watched him leave, her heart reaching out to the boy who was trying to come to terms with missing her dead daughter..

_**And maybe there's a God above,**_

_**But all I've ever learned from love**_

_**Is how to shoot someone before it drew ya?**_

_**And it's a cry that you hear at night,**_

_**It's not somebody who has seen the light,**_

_**It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah,**_

_**Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah.**_

Suddenly her cell phone rang. She looked at the unknown number, then picked it up.

"Hello?"

And then she collapsed!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sandy looked over at Kirsten talking on the phone. Ever since that first time he had been dreading this. He knew what was coming. He was almost prepared for it but it still didn't lessen his apprehension on how she would react. Almost as if on cue, he heard her sharp intake of breath, heard her scream, and heard the door banging as Kirsten came barging out.

"I think you have a lot of explaining to do.", she fumed, her eyes widening even as her voice rose alarmingly.

"I know…" Sandy replied shortly. His eyes were downcast, but it wasn't with shame for what he had done. It was with guilt, guilt because he had lied to his wife for so long.

"Why? Do you even know what you have done? How could you do this?", she screamed. Her chest heaved, her eyes flashed. If she didn't know better, she could almost smell the regret in his eyes.

"I didn't do anything. It wasn't my decision", he said firmly, his eyes locking into hers, no trace of shame in them.

"And you really think I am going to believe that? You supported this, don't tell me you didn't." she said strongly. Sandy was his own man. Even if she didn't know what had happened, she knew this much. It couldn't have happened without his consent. She hoped it wasn't at his instigation, because that would incriminate him even further in her eyes.

"I did. Because I think it was for the best." He replied simply, his eyes pleading with her to understand. She refused to, at least not until she knew the whole story, because the effect it had had on all of them was inexpressible!

"How can this be for the best? You spoilt his future."

"At least this way he has a future." He retorted back.

"You had no right to make this decision."

"Probably not. But someone else did have this right…"

Kirsten looked at him… Finally, she sat down on one of the chairs. "I think you better start from the start".

Sandy sighed, sitting down in the chair beside her as he ran his hands through his wavy raven hair. It was the time for the truth… "Well, it all started that night…" he said, his eyes finally meeting hers, "that night that changed it all…"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ryan walked up the lifeguard stand. He sat down as he watched the waves come and go. So much in his life was like the waves. It came and it went. He looked up at the sky, stared at its pitch darkness. It comforted him and soothed him nowadays.

Slowly he opened the letter,

_Hey Ry,_

_So … I have never done this before, I mean written a letter, so mostly it will be all rubbish,_

His hands touched the soft folds of the pink paper and curved gently around her looped handwriting. Twice they went over his name. Only she called him 'Ry…' He would make sure nobody ever called him that again…

_But I had to do this. I had to tell you everything that I couldn't then. Ever since I met you I have loved you from my heart and my soul. I wish things weren't this way, that I had been different, that I had made better choices, that I had done things differently. But I didn't. You have done so much for me. My life wouldn't have been worth living if it weren't for you. But it's my turn now. That's why I need to do this right now. As much as I wanted this time for myself, it's more for you that I wanted to leave. You deserve this; deserve the future that I can't have._

His future was with her… and now she wasn't there…

_I know how you are feeling right now, coz it is exactly the same way I felt when I was leaving. Scared of the future, but most of all sad that I was leaving you behind. I know it is college and it is scary. But I also know that you will make it through, coz you are you. And never doubt that I will be there with you every step of the way coz it is my dream too._

_Just remember that you will be in my heart even when we are apart and I'll love you no matter what._

_Take care of yourself and goodbye,_

_Yours,_

_Riss._

_P.S: you better warn those Berkeley women before hand. They don't know what is going to hit them, Snoopy…_

He didn't know how long he just sat there as silent tears poured down his cheek. He knew exactly why she must have written this letter. She had known what it would be like for him to leave and she had just given him the strength to do that. For the first time he understood what she was trying to tell him. He had to move on coz she would have wanted him to. She had left so he could get on with his life. He promised himself that she would live her dream through him coz love was not about two people being together; it was about them being one. And so, she would always be there with him, in him coz that's what love was all about. And finally he had understood, and he smiled.

**When I think back on these times **_**(first time they met)**_

**And all the dreams we left behind**_** (first time they kissed on the Ferris wheel)**_

**I'll be glad coz I was blessed a lot**_** (them talking)**_

**To have you in my life **_**(them making out)**_

**When I look back on these days**_** (R/M having fun at the beach)**_

**I look and see your face**_** (at the fashion show when she gave him a smile)**_

**You****were always there for me**_** (first time R/M in model home)**_

**In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky,**_** (Marissa laughing, smiling, kissing)**_

**In my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all of my life, **_**(R/M kiss at the countdown)**_

**I'll keep a part of you with me, **_**(R/M hand in hand at the beach),**_

_**And everywhere I am there you'll be…**_

_**And every where I am there you'll be…**_

Softly he whispered "goodbye my love" and then he walked away, never noticing the lone figure standing a few miles away…


	3. lost love is found?

**CHAPTER 3**

**(6 years later…)**

_(Okay, so, I spent a lot of time thinking about how each character would react to a particular situation and I have tried staying as true to the characters as I could. But I don't know how good a job I have done. I have tried to make Ryan the way he would be when he is successful and has finally begun to believe in himself. Summer is a mother now… and I can totally picture her as a mother hen, clucking around the babies and bossing around Seth of course. Seth is not the boy who played magic and games, but now he is the man who plays magic and games. Lol. Please review and tell me, coz I am really curious if I have done a god job imitating the characters. )_

Ryan opened the blinds of the kitchen allowing the California sun to stream into it. This was his favorite time of the day. There was something about seeing the sunrays in the morning that lifted up his mood. It was just so refreshing… the sunrays and the clear blue wide sea. It suddenly bought another image to his mind… the sun rays streaming and the clear blue eyes of slip of a girl standing all alone at the end of the driveway as he drove away, but he quickly banished it. Looking back, life had been good to him these past six years. He had graduated at the top of his class and Kirsten had immediately given him a job at the Newport group. He had started out low, as a junior assistant. But within a year he had managed to become the CEO thanks to Sandy and Kirsten of course! It was ironic in a way that this was where he had started his life from scratch and now he was the CEO of the biggest company in Newport.

He just wished he had someone to share it with.

Suddenly he felt two feminine arms wrap around him from behind…

"Hey you…" she said.

"Hey Ally," he smiled looking over at her and turning around so he could draw her in his arms. She immediately closed the gap between their lips.

"So last night was… amazing…" she said in between kisses, "want to do it again sometime"

"Hmmm… maybe… I don't know," he said, teasing her "I'll call you".

She wriggled out of his grasp as she gave him a contemplative look. "We've been doing this for the past month, Ryan. And I still don't know when I could be seeing you. And I've tried telling myself that it didn't matter, that you needed time. But I really like you. And I cant keep doing this anymore."

"Ally… common… you always knew it wasn't serious. I made that clear that first night."

"Well, maybe it wasn't serious for you. But it was for me. And whoever she was, because clearly it was someone else, I can understand why she left you. What happened? Did she cheat on you? Leave you? Die?"

He had uttered the last words out of spite, not actually meaning them, but the moment she uttered the words she knew she had gone too far. His eyes turned so stormy, that she felt a shiver of fear trickle down her spine. For a moment she felt as if he was going to hit her, so angry were his eyes. "Ryan… I…"

"Get out" he ordered through clenched teeth.

"But…"

"Get out before I kill you."

Tears streaming down her face, she left.

-----------------------------

Seth and summer entered the Atwood driveway only to see a woman banging the front door and storming out in the car

"Uh… oh… not so good a morning for Ryan, is it?" summer frowned, looking over at Seth. Seth, who at this moment was busy trying to add a little flair to his very, very, short stubble, hastily put the comb down causing his wife of 3 years to smack him.

"Cohen, what are you doing?"

"Ooww… summer! You just hit…" he dropped the words looking at her thunderous expression, "what were you saying, dear?", he said meekly instead

"I was saying", she said angrily, pronouncing each word individually, "that Atwood's morning doesn't look good! Didn't you see the woman banging down the front door?"

Seth frowned, looking over at the doorway indicated by Summer. What was she talking about? Then it struck him…

"Oh that? Well don't worry about it" he said casually waving his hand in an offhand manner "That's just a typical Ryan morning. Girls banging the door… storming off… nearly hitting our car… and Ryan brooding… yeah, very typical! Actually, considering all, it looks to be a good morning."

"Cohen…", she warned, not in a mood to take his sarcasm so early in the morning. "Common… we should go and find out what happened. Maybe he needs our help" she shouted as she half dragged Seth into the house…

------------------

"Hey mi amigo… how's it going? Well…? Too well…? Or too… too… well…?" he could hear Seth's voice along his hallway before his extremely messy, unruly dark head wearing a goofy grin popped in. summer followed immediately behind.

For a moment he considered telling them about his 'Ally fraca'. Then, considering against it, he replied, shrugging, "It is a good morning".

Seth immediately gave summer an "I told you so" look as a triumphant grin formed on his.

"Hey Atwood", Summer asked perplexed, "We just saw a woman storming off in a car. Everything all right?"

Ryan surveyed summer's concerned expression over the rim of his coffee cup as he slowly took a sip of the hot brew. "She hit somebody?", he asked casually, not wanting to get into why his ex-Girlfriend had stormed off. She was just a girl that he had been dating on and off for the past couple of months and although he liked her, he wasn't near enough ready to be committed to anyone.

"No… lucky she missed us though" she said, peering at him from under her lashes as she looked inquiringly. "For once I am glad Seth drives slower than my grand mom…"

"Hey…" Seth immediately interrupted "Captain Oats would take offense at that!"

"Then I would be owing a plastic horse an apology, wouldn't I?", Summer retorted sarcastically.

Ryan just shrugged used to their bickering. But the small movement caught Seth's eye distracting him from the argument.

"Well… enlighten us. Why was she in such an astounding if a little Cohen destructive mood?" Seth said, looking over at his brother who at this moment was chewing on his bagel casually as if nothing untoward had happened. Somehow Ryan's nonchalant behavior worried him more than if he would have been heartbroken. Ever since… well that thing happened that they still didn't like to talk about Ryan had never allowed any woman to come close enough to hurt him. He dated, he laughed, he had sex… but he stopped when he thought he would get emotionally involved.

"Uh…" Ryan said shaking his head knowing there was no dodging Seth when he was in one of his moods. "We broke off"

"And by that do you mean that you broke off?" Seth prodded a worried frown creasing his face..

Ryan simply nodded.

"Because…" Seth asked dragging the words out.

"Because things didn't work out" Ryan clipped giving a frustrated sigh.

"And by that you actually mean…" Seth continued…

The look he had given Seth should have been enough to convey that he didn't want to talk about it. Shouldn't it?

"Seth…" Ryan warned.

"Oh well…" Seth immediately changed tactics, at Ryan's thunderous expression. After living with Ryan for so long he knew exactly when to retreat if he didn't want his jaw broken. Unfortunately for him, he was never good at subtlety and usually made things worse than better, like now… "I just wanted to know if this could actually top the last one. The last time around the girl talked too much. Personally I felt you should have stuck with her… she talked too much, you don't talk much. That way at least the conversation is flowing… if not the juices."

"EW…". Summer said hitting him on the head.

"Woman… you'll mess up my new Tom Cruise look"

"So what did you guys wanna talk about?" Ryan asked before there could be a pounding match in his kitchen.

Seth suddenly became serious as he looked over at summer. Summer fidgeted with her dress and they both became nervous.

"Uh… maybe you should sit down for this…" he said finally, looking over at Ryan.

Ryan's eyes deepened as he frowned at him. Somehow, the way they were saying all this had a weird feeling of déjà vu to it. He hadn't seen them this nervous since… "The last time you said this…" he finally began.

"Yeah," Seth acknowledged, nodding his head. "I was telling you about Marissa and Trey"

Ryan flinched at the mention of her name. Twice in one morning… not good.

"Kirsten and sandy okay?" he asked slowly.

"Holidaying in Greece when last spoke to them. That was yesterday." Seth replied.

"Yeah me too" he frowned. He really hadn't thought it was about them anyway. He was getting the weird feeling that it was about… but that couldn't be. "So what's up?" he asked, with a shaky voice.

Seth looked at summer. He was really nervous about how he was going to break the news to him, or rather about how Ryan would react when he heard the news.

"uh … well… see the thing is… uh … you know… how it is with things… sometimes you think you know it all but then you don't… and you suddenly find out… and then your entire world changes… and what you thought was true is actually not true… but then it is and…" he mumbled.

"Seth," Ryan interrupted harshly, stopping his ramblings. He was getting more and more nervous by the minute. "You're not making any sense what so ever"

"Maybe I should say it." Summer intervened, and was rewarded with Seth's very grateful look.

Ryan looked at summer.

"Okay," summer said taking a deep breath as she shook her head, "so I'm going to try and be as subtle as possible"

"Out with it. Now." Ryan clipped out.

"Ryan… this is not easy. I am so sorry this is the way it has to be done… but, there's no other way, no other time". Before her courage failed her, in one quick rush, she whispered, "Marissa's alive!"

For two seconds no one said any thing. There was an absolute pin drop pregnant pause in which both Seth and summer were looking at him but Ryan's face was completely devoid of any emotion. Then all of a sudden…

"okay, ha ha ha. Very funny. Got it. Bad joke. Now get out." Ryan stated angrily.

"hey bro…"

"Would I be joking about this?" Summer's eyes drew Ryan's in with their clearity and truth.

Ryan looked at summer as his eyes clashed with hers, desperately trying to understand what she was trying to say to him. There had to be a catch somewhere. Something that he hadn't quite grasped as yet. Something that was just there, somewhere at the periphery but was just out of his reach. All the walls started closing in on him, suffocating him, and cutting off his air supply. His thoughts were actually moving in slow motion… as if he could actually see every thought, every feeling of his in terms of colors and glass shards. Marissa's alive? Marissa's alive… Marissa? … Riss? … The car accident? … The limp body? … The smell of smoke and fire? … The whispered breath? … The cold?… so much pain?…so much blood?…his breath coming in short gasps, each breath painful… and then finally… oblivion. Peace at last.

Summer and Seth saw as if in a slow motion Ryan's eyes close, saw as if in a slow motion his hand fall from its resting place on the table, saw as if in slow motion his legs crumple beneath him. Summer screamed. Seth rushed. But Ryan had already hit the floor.

Oblivian…


	4. the return of life or the end of love?

CHAPTER 4

**The return of life… or the end of love?**

_Seth: I did tell him to sit down…_

_Summer: this is not the time to be sarcastic… do something!_

_Seth: now you want me to do something? Seeing, as you were so subtle?_

He heard them arguing as if from a distance. He tried to speak, but no words came out. He tried to speak again… " Where is she?" a croak… a whisper… "Where is she?"

Both S/S turned to look at him. Then summer ran towards him, enveloping him in her arms.

Summer: thank God, you opened your eyes… I thought I'd killed you… 

**Seth: hey bro… how are you? Stupid question, I know…**

What were these people talking about? All he needed to know was the answer to the one question that they weren't telling him. Why weren't these people giving it to him? He tried to shout it, scream it…

Ryan: where is she? How is she? You guys don't understand. We were in an accident. I need to find her. Oh god… please, please let her be alive. I killed her. Volchok killed her. I killed her and I lost her. I'll never forgive myself if something happened to her…

Summer looked at Seth, for the first time really scared. It was like Ryan had been transported back in time. In his mind he was on that gravelly pathway again. his eyes had a glazed look. His voice was hoarse and he was screaming…

Summer: Ryan, please calm down… Coop, she is alive. She is all right. She is coming here tomorrow.

**LISTEN TO ME. PLEASE SNAP OUT OF IT. STOP IT. SHE IS ALIVE. SHE DID NOT DIE THAT DAY. SHE IS COMING HERE TOMMORROW.**

**But he kept struggling… he kept shouting. Seth tried to hold him down… but he kept shaking, hoarsely… uncontrollably…**

**And then summer hit him…**

**Everything went blank. After ten seconds, Ryan's clear blue eyes collided with summers…**

**Ryan: how? I need to know…**

How was she going to explain to him everything? All the years in between? She decided to stick with simple facts.

Summer: You know, when you came out of the car…you yourself had lost consciousness. None of us knew what had happened, but that night an elderly couple that was passing down the road rescued you. They took both of you to hospital. We came as soon as we knew. Marissa was in the I.C.U. we didn't tell you that coz your condition was critical too. Something happened and her heart stopped. The doctor's declared her dead, but it seems they had made a mistake. I, myself, didn't know it until 9 months later. Only Jimmy and Sandy knew.

Ryan: (his voice reflecting a long buried hope that he had finally allowed himself to feel) she is really alive?

Marissa was really alive? And then it struck him…

Ryan: she didn't tell me? You didn't tell me? You kept all this from me for all these years? She kept all this from me for all these years?

Seth: listen my man, before you rearrange my jaw for me, I plead you to remember the number of years we have been friends.

Ryan clenched his fist.

Ryan: get out.

Summer: Ryan… we are really sorry but we really had to do it. Coop really made us swear…

Ryan got up from the couch.

Seth: listen baby… if you value my life, lets just get out.

Summer: but…

Seth: (for once strongly) no buts. He needs some time alone. And we are leaving.

Once outside, Seth looked at summer,

Seth: well, no one said that would go well…

Summer: yeah, but did it have to be a mayhem?

Seth: Ryan and Marissa? It has always been mayhem!

Summer: he did take the news better than I had expected. I was expecting more along the lines of a few broken jaws, a few facial bruises…

Seth: is that why you gave me a huge breakfast today morning while you were chewing your nails?

Summer: no that was for the bruises I gave you last night. For this, I decided to prepare a gigantic dinner tonight.

Seth: you mean with pudding for dessert?

Summer: uh hmm.

Seth: see, I knew I loved you for a reason.

When Seth did not elicit any response from her…

Seth: I can see the wheels turning in your head. Something is going on in that pretty brain of yours…

Summer: I was just thinking how Ryan would react when he'll first meet Coop?

Seth: you will have to prepare an eight-course meal to get me through that one.

Summer: you know, Coop really had to do it. For his own good.

Seth: yeah… well… somehow I don't think Ryan's going to see it that way.

Summer: hmm… maybe not. Do you think we should tell him why she did what she did?

Seth: Woman… are you hell-bent on killing me?

Summer: no. At least not yet. But maybe in another ten years…

Ryan woke up the next morning, the now all too familiar dream on his mind. He'd had this dream a hundred times before, and still he woke up with an ache in his heart. He thought time would diminish it, but it didn't. The dream always ended with her smiling and going into the water. Maybe if he'd run faster… but today there was something different. Mixed with his feelings of guilt and loneliness and utter hopelessness there was a feeling of… hope? And then he remembered…

Ryan: oh my God!

And then all the fear and the anger and the betrayal came crashing onto him. She had fucking done it again. How could she do it? The things she had put him through these past few years. He needed to get out. He put on his tracks and running shoes and went for a run on the beach. Suddenly he realized he had come outside "the model home" he stood outside the gate not really daring to go inside. It had all started over here for him. All the memories… the first time they had met here… the last time they had said goodbye… the time when she had ridden behind him on his bike… their first date… their first kiss… the first night they had made love… all came crashing onto him. And he started laughing hysterically…it had all been a lie for her… a big, fat fucking lie… While he was moping here, trying his damndest to forget her, she had as selfishly moved on with her life, not thinking about anyone but herself. He was sure she had some self absorbed reason for this whole thing in that juvenile brain of hers. He felt like a fool. But he promised himself that this was the last time she would be able to make a fool of him.

He was done with her. Her lies, her betrayals, her problems. It was over. He was going to stop ruining his life over her, and it was gonna start now…

Marissa raised her hand as if to stop him but couldn't. Before he could see her, she ran all the way to summers house, opened the door and collapsed on the floor.

Summer: coop, are you okay?

Marissa: yeah… I saw Ryan.

Summer: oh my God!

Marissa: exactly.

Summer: so what happened? You didn't really run away before meeting him, did you?

Marissa: no… he did that…

Summer: I did warn you…

Marissa: but I was hoping you know… that he'd… I don't know… be easier…

Summer: Coop… you left the guy letting him think that you were dead.

Marissa: don't you think I know that?

Summer: maybe if you tell him why…

Marissa: just as soon as I get enough guts to go and face him…

Summer: well… there's no need for that. I have already arranged it…

Marissa: what? Summer Roberts Cohen… what have you done?

Summer: I am giving a dinner party at my place and you are invited. Ryan would be there.

Marissa: then it is easy… I wont come.

Summer: oh yes… you will.

Marissa: give me one good reason why I should?

Summer: for one thing it is private enough so you guys could talk… and public enough for him to not create a scene.

Marissa gave her look…

Summer: okay, scratch that. It's Ryan and you we are talking about. Scenes and drama are like your middle names. But at least he won't get too violent. And Seth and I would be there in case you know…

Marissa: things get out of hand?

Summer: or you kill each other…

Marissa smiled…

Marissa: I really lucked out you know… when I met you.

Summer: so you'll come?

Marissa: sure… it looks like the best shot I have got.

Summer: and it's the earliest one… since its tomm night.

Marissa: what?

Summer: so we don't have a lot of time. Get your ass in gear coop… we have to go shopping if you have to sway Ryan…

Marissa: somehow I knew you'd say that…

Ryan came back from his jog and opened the door to his bedroom. He went to his bath to turn on the shower. When he turned around he saw Seth sitting on his bed.

Ryan: I knew it was a mistake giving you the spare key to my house.

Seth: ah… but you knew you couldn't live without the early morning Seth-Ryan times.

When Ryan didn't say anything…

Seth: so I gather… not one of your better days…

Ryan: (gives him a look)

Seth: okay I get it… if I value my life I shut up… but would you just consider beating me at the ninja if I say the next few words?

Another look…

Seth: okay… a few letters?

Another look…

Seth: ah… another no… but…

Ryan: yeah… yeah… these are more than a few words…

Seth: okay, Ryan, man I get it. I should have told you, but Marissa…

Ryan: (shouts) listen, I don't care about you… or her… and if you ever get the word 'Marissa' out of your mouth, I will kill you.

Seth: okay but do you not care about your goddaughter Zoë either? Remember, the one that you promised to grant every wish to?

Ryan gives him a look saying what is he talking about?

Seth: (getting up) so be there tomorrow for Zoë's second birthday or she would never forgive you. The invitation is on your desk.

Ryan: I am not coming, Seth.

Seth: (made as if he hadn't heard that.) oh… and incase you are wondering, the 'M' lady is not coming.

Ryan gives him a questioning look.

Seth: I am not going to say the name man. I love my jaw… and I love summer who loves my jaw… and now there's Zoë too…

Ryan to himself…: sometimes Seth is even crazier than he normally is…

Seth and summer's bedroom (that night)

Seth: so how was your day?

Summer: Marissa and me went shopping. Speaking of which… how did it go with Ryan? Is he coming?

Seth: do you doubt my ability to charm and coerce now?

Summer gives him a look.

Seth: okay… so I needed some persuasion. I called on Zoë.

Summer: thought as much. How did he take?

Seth: well… considering that he is never speaking to you or me again… and he doesn't even want to hear the name Marissa… and if I say one more word he'll probably kill me… and the only reason he is coming is because of Zoë… good, I think!

Summer: can't say I blame him. Think how you would feel, if it was me.

Seth: I don't even want to think about it. I am glad we worked out. I love you…

Summer: I love you too… (Leans in for a kiss)

Seth: (not really understanding) I wonder if Captain Oats is hurt with the whole Ryan thing?

Summer: Cohen … will you never understand the moment?

Seth: oh is that what we were having?

Summer: never mind… lets just sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a hectic day…

Seth: with you my dim sum… its always a hectic day… (And kisses her passionately)

(_author's note:sorry for the first chapter mess up. I have corrected it. thanx for the reviews guys. It was good to know that you liked the story. I am hoping to answer all your questions effectively in the next chaptesr. Also I am really worried if I am getting ryans character in line or not. Tell me what you think. Also all criticisms are welcome, coz that is the only way ill be able to give you what you want)_


	5. The party favor!

**THE PARTY FIASCO.**

**Summer: well… things seem to be going pretty well?**

**Seth: yeah, that's coz there is no sign of either Ryan or Marissa.**

**Summer: maybe they changed their minds. Wait… there is Coop.**

**Seth: wow… she looks…**

**Summer: Cohen… are you checking out my best friend?**

**Seth: oh no… well I was just admiring your dress selection…**

**Summer: right… but its sweet how you glossed it over with the dress selection remark…**

**Seth: you are calling me sweet now? Next u'll be calling me rad…**

**Meanwhile Marissa was searching for summer. As soon as she spotted her she started making her way towards her. She could feel all the eyes upon her. They were eyes with a lot of questions. Questions she wasn't yet ready to answer. She could already feel the start of a headache and she wasn't even yet a full day into Newport.**

**Summer: hey coop… you look gorgeous!**

**Marissa: hey listen… about today… well I thought I could handle it but I cant. I need more time. It is just too soon. Would it be okay if I just went after wishing Zoë?**

**Seth: and the lady wants to flee… yet again…**

**Summer stamps on Seth's foot.**

**Summer: of course Coop… take as much time as you want.**

**Marissa leaves to find Zoë.**

**Seth: what? She needs more time now? She's taken 6 years?**

**Summer: sometimes it is just not enough…**

**Seth: okay normally I wouldn't dare disagree with you but…**

**Summer: you wouldn't…?**

**Seth: no… I am just too battle weary… but that's beside the point. What I can tell you for sure is that it is just not a good strategy to allow Ryan to brood.**

**Summer: well… she's not going to get the chance now. Look who's just come?**

**Seth: oh… this should be interesting… it's been a while since I have got my fair share of Newport drama. What with JULIE-COOPER-NICHOL-COOPER-ROBERTS-AND THE NEXT YET UNKNOWN moving to Chicago…**

**Summer: quick Seth… our diversionary tactics.**

**Seth: what? We have them now? Coordinated?**

**Ryan saw Seth and summer in the distance. He had decided to come. Besides it was not like Marissa was going to be there. He saw no reason why he shouldn't go about his life the way he had been going about for the past 6 years. He was just going to pretend that the past two days hadn't happened. All the people were staring at him as if expecting him to behave in a very different way. He hadn't had them look at him this way since high school. Infact now a days the reactions were quite opposite actually…**

**Ryan: hey Seth… is it my imagination or are people actually staring at me?**

**Seth: uh… I would say just your imagination. Imaginations can be cruel. But then they can also be true right? Like mine were about boats and captain oats?**

**Ryan looked at summer…**

**Summer: I might have spanked him too hard the last time around.**

**Ryan: make that very hard.**

**Ryan: uh… I guess I owe you an apology. For the way I behaved.**

**Seth: wow… Ryan apologizing… didn't think id see the day. Usually it is my forte.**

**Ryan: Yeah…well… things change.**

**Set: does that mean that your stand about a certain other lady has changed too?**

**Ryan gave Seth a look…**

**Seth: I guess that's a no.**

**Ryan: where is Zoë?**

**Seth: nowhere.**

**Ryan looks at him questioningly.**

**Ryan: I can see her by the pool.**

**Seth: uh but you cant meet her now.**

**Ryan: why not?**

**Seth: coz she is suffering from 'visitoritis'**

**Ryan: what?**

**Summer: don't listen to him Ryan. Come with me. I wanted to introduce you to this gorgeous female I met.**

**Ryan: okay… what is up with you guys? I swear you're getting weirder day by day. I am just going to meet her before I catch on to some of those characteristics of yours.**

**Ryan leaves…**

**Summer: 'visitoritis'…? That's not even a word.**

**Seth: yeah well… it is better than another woman. I swear, woman, you are so slowing down.**

**Summer: talk for yourself.**

**Seth: maybe you should hide Ryan under your skirts. At least that will keep him diverted.**

**Summer hits Seth on the head.**

**Seth: or better yet… hide me.**

**Summer: why?**

**Seth: I kind of didn't mention to him that Marissa was going to be here. And by that I mean I told him she wasn't going to be here.**

**Summer: quick… get under my skirts. Now!**

**Ryan made his way over to Zoë. It was really fun to play with her. Those baby faces and little gurgling noises she made always made his day. Little girls were really very cute. Too bad they sometimes turned to be like someone he didn't want to think about right now. But as he neared her he could see that Zoë wasn't alone. He didn't actually see the woman holding her, but the way she was holding her, as if she was deriving strength from her, gave him a pause. She was really tall, that's all he could see. And then he had that familiar feeling in the pit of his stomach. Without really seeing her, he knew who she was. He half turned to leave but then she turned and their eyes locked and he couldn't move.**

**Marissa knew the moment Ryan had arrived by the pool. She felt his presence, felt his eyes upon her back. She debated whether she should leave out back but then she turned and their eyes met and everything else seemed to disappear. For an endless moment they both forgot that they were older, they both forgot that there was a lot of baggage between them, they both forgot that there was a lot of hurt, anger and disappointment. All they remembered was that they were two individuals who were connected by some unknown, unseen bond, ever since the first moment they had met. The feelings were the same as when they had first looked into each other's eyes at the end of the driveway. Then Ryan started to walk away. Marissa put Zoë down and ran after him.**

**Marissa: Ryan… wait, please. Just wait.**

**Ryan: (turning) for what?**

**Marissa: look, I just want to talk… explain.**

**Ryan: there is nothing left to talk and there is nothing left to explain. Remember… you are supposed to be dead.**

**Marissa: please Ryan… give me a chance. Please.**

**Ryan: (gritting his teeth) look, what do you want from me?**

**Marissa: I… well… I just… cant we try and be friends?**

**Ryan: friends? After all this? Get real… we were never friends.**

**Marissa: if you would just listen, maybe we could change that.**

**Ryan: frankly speaking I am having a little trouble having a conversation with a dead person, let alone being friends with them.**

**Marissa: look… I admit it may seem cruel to you but don't you want to know why I did what I did? Didn't you think of me even once when you thought that I was dead?**

**Ryan: (shouting) once? I thought about you every day! I thought what an ass I was to let you go. I spent tortured moments wondering if there had been something, anything that I could have done differently. I thought of a million ways in which things could have been different between us. I criticized myself time and time again for not being able to save you. I hoped that it had been me. It should have been me. For a while there I almost killed myself. And now after 6 years I know that it was for nothing? You think you can justify all this to me? Go ahead. Here's your chance. Enlighten me.**

**Marissa: I… I… I…**

**Ryan: There is nothing you can say that will make this right. So save your trouble. You've been jerking me around since the day I got here. So this time around… save it for some other fool who will listen to you. For me you are as good as dead. Goodbye!**

**And with that Ryan left leaving Marissa standing there as tears ran down her cheeks not really caring that people were watching her.**

**Ryan's house (doorbell rings)**

Ryan saw the clock on the desk beside in his living room. It was 12 in the night. Who could it be? Only one person came to mind… Seth! He was sure Seth had come with some hair-brained scheme about talking one's feelings out. Well… he wasn't feeling like talking. Punching someone was more along the lines of what he had been feeling. Too bad he had not kept the punching bag with him in this house. He went to open the door…

Ryan: Marissa?

Marissa pushed Ryan inside and marched in beside him. Then whirled around to face him…

Marissa: (her voice was shaking with anger) enough is enough Ryan. I am not going to let you get away with it the second time around. It is not always my fault and it is time you heard it. I let you get away with it the last time coz I blamed myself for it. I have been doing that since the day I turned 16. I blamed myself for my mom, my dad, their failed marriage, luke, Johnny, you… but this is going to stop right now. I did not drag you into my life. I did not ask you to save me. You did that. It was your decision. And might I remind you… you were happy about it. It made you feel important and needed and don't tell me it's not true. What are you blaming me for? Luke? Oliver? D.J? Johnny? I was with Luke coz you made it clear that you didn't want me any where near you. Remember model home? Remember Caleb's girlfriend? You said I lied to you. But you weren't exactly honest about your life either. If I hadn't come with you that day to Chino I wouldn't have ever known about Teresa. Two days after we had broken up you slept with her… you were having a kid with her… and I supported you through all that. I even befriended her though it killed me to do that. And I did that for you. And when the time came I even let you go. So don't talk about trust to me. Yes… I made a mistake with Oliver. And I know this is not on the same level but weren't you the one who blamed me for Luke's secret getting out without even asking me first? Should I have then said that I didn't trust you anymore? Oh.. And you have no right to even speak about D.J. I didn't even know if you were coming back. You didn't even call me once when you were there. For all I knew you had made a life with her. And when things didn't work out… you just came here and expected me to fall straight back into your arms. And I am not complaining about that. I was waiting for you till a moment came when I realized I couldn't take it anymore knowing that I loved you and also knowing that I couldn't have you. I just wanted to feel… anything except the pain… that is why D.J happened. That's why I didn't tell you about him. I was scared of losing you the second time around. Coz unlike you, I knew that I only wanted you. But you… instead of talking to me about my feelings … just walked out on me… like you always do. So don't you dare blame me. You know what… nobody is perfect. And I maybe even more imperfect than most but at least I didn't pretend otherwise unlike you. You knew exactly where I was coming from. So it is time you realized that you… with your rights and wrongs… don't always make the right decisions either. Oh… and there's one last thing. I did what I did coz I loved you. So if you ever want to find out why, you know where to find me. Otherwise it really is goodbye! And she slammed the door as she left…

Ryan stood there shell shocked for a full minute. He couldn't react. He didn't know how to react. He had never heard Marisa let go of herself like that. Sure… she had shouted at him, even screamt at him sometimes, but never like this. at that moment just so many feelings overwhelmed him that he didn't know what to think. On one side his mind blamed her totally for their entire failed relationship, but on the other hand his heart couldn't really negate the truth of her words. He took his jacket and went outside on the beach. Is feet automatically took him to the one place he knew he would find solace. The lifeguard stand. It had become his place when things had gotten too much for him after her supposed death. Somehow her presence at the stand was too strong and it had made him feel close to her. Today he just wanted to think things through. He let his gaze wander into nothingness. With all the hurt and the pain she had caused him, it was also true that she had supported him always whatever be the case. Sometimes even to the point when she didn't care about herself. She had become a sort of an anchor in his life. That was one of the reasons he had found so hard to go to college. He hadn't been sure that he could do it without her. The pain he must have caused her… he closed his eyes…

Marissa: Ryan?

Ryan: hey…

Marissa: (sitting down beside him and putting her arm around him) I am so sorry Ry… for all the hurt I have caused you.

Ryan: ( in a dejected voice) why Marissa? Did you think I wasn't good enough for you? Did you think you were better off without me? What did I do so wrong that I didn't even deserve to be told?

Marissa: please Ry… you cant really think any of this…

Ryan: what am I supposed to think… Riss?

Marissa: the truth…


	6. The truth and the love!

_(Author's note:__ okay… so first of all I am really sorry for taking this long to update. I was kinda busy with my exam and the post exam partying… so… sorry! As you guys know this chapter is a continuation of last chapter so maybe you'd want to read the last one again…( I read it againt coz I couldn't get the flow after so long…) _

_I am hoping that this chapter will answer most of your questions about why rissa didn't tell him for so long but if you have any questions ask … and I'll get back to you on that. So enjoy… and don't forget to review… both good and bad)_

_**Ryan: What am I supposed to think Riss?**_

_**Marissa: The truth…**_

**Marissa stood up from their sitting position… her back turned towards him. She couldn't really stand to see his expression right now, stand to see the hurt and the ****anger that she was sure she was going to see. If she had to finish this, she had to ****finish it in one go. If she saw him… saw his face she wasn't sure she'd be able to complete it.**

**Slowly she began reliving one of the most difficult experiences of her life…**

**Marissa: I don't really remember much about that night. All I remember is you holding me and telling me that you had to go for help. But I didn't want that. I didn't want you to go. I knew I was going to die. All I wanted to do was die in your arms. It was like you said… I wanted you to be the last person I said goodbye to.**

**The next thing I remember is waking up at the hospital. My dad was there and then sandy came to see my dad. None of them knew that I was awake…He… he was telling my dad something that I never would have expected. Remember Heather? Volchok's lackey? Well… you don't know this but heather was found dead a few miles away from the place of our accident. When you came to the hospital there were traces of alcohol that were found in your blood. We had been celebrating that night. the police suspected both of us… coz repeat offenders you know… so then I asked sandy if I could speak to the police… give my statement. He arranged that. They were eager anyways, waiting for either one of us to give the statement. I … I tried telling them about Volchok and stuff, but I don't think they believed me. They were out to get us… I don't know why… repeat offenders maybe… or spoilt little rich kids maybe… I don't really know… I don't think it matters anyways… but the bottom line was that they suspected us… so then I told them that it wasn't you but me who was driving. No one knew the real truth except the two of us… and you hadn't yet spoken to anyone. Plus I had already been implicated in trey's shootout, Johnny's death and numerous other offenses such as shoplifting… O.Dying. I was the classic example of a problem child. It wasn't really difficult to convince them and to take the blame… Sandy got me off the murder charge coz of lack of evidence but I still had to serve sentence for drunken driving. They gave me 5 months in juvy and two years of therapy. Sandy told me right away that he would tell you… that it was wrong… but I convinced him not to. Look, I wasn't going to college anyways… but you were… and I couldn't spoil your chance like that. Even if there would have been no charge against us… even if sandy could have proven that we weren't involved… the mere implication of it would have ruined your future… there was no way any college would have admitted you. I convinced sandy to keep it a secret from everyone especially my mom and summer … my mom because… well… there was no way that she would have allowed it… you know how she can be… she would have done anything to get me out and get you implicated… and well summer coz… well if she knew then Seth would know and then you would know… I had to really plead and beg with sandy to let me do this… you have to know he was totally against it… but finally he agreed… that day… the day when you were leaving for college… that was the day I came out of juvy… that was also the day that I told my mom and summer… and that was… also the day I was going into rehab… **

**She turned around then and what she saw almost had her falling down… there was so much pain on his face… so much suffering. He was silently suffering… silently breaking down… he wasn't meeting her eyes…**

**Ryan didn't know what to think… what to feel. It was like there was a part of his life that had been going on for so long that he had been completely unaware of. It was like waking up from a long, long sleep after which the entire equation of your life has changed. He was overwhelmed by what he had heard… what she had done for him… there were just so many things clamoring in his brain right now… gratitude… towards this girl for what she had done for him, anger… towards this girl for not telling him before…, love… towards this girl coz that's what he always felt when he looked into her eyes… and hate… he didn't know whom he hated more at this moment. Himself or her…? Why? Why couldn't she have come to him? He knew the answer to that logically, but that didn't prevent a part of him from resenting it. When she had first come back into his life, he had been feeling unbelievably angry… angry at her for cheating him… angry at her for putting him through so much… angry at her for thinking that she could get away with it… but most of all he had felt angry at himself… for still feeling all those things… for still caring… and he guessed for still loving. But now… he just felt guilty. He knew it was stupid to feel guilty for not being there when he didn't know what was happening, but that didn't prevent him from feeling it. **

**Marissa: Ry… it wasn't your fault… I wanted to do this… I needed to do this. give you the life you deserved. please look at it from my point of view Ryan. I wasn't going to college anyways. and it was my fault in the first place… the entire volchok stuff… you deserved this chance… and at that time it seemed like a small price to pay… juvy wasn't bad really… and well rehab actually helped me in a way… you know different perspective. I didn't know this but I actually needed it.**

**For an interminably long moment no one spoke. Marissa knew what he was feeling right now and she was waiting to let him come to terms with everything she had just said… he was still not meeting her eyes… with downcast eyes softly he spoke…**

**Ryan: why? why couldn't you just come to me? You have… always… before?**

**Marissa: that's just it… Ry, I couldn't… not again…**

**Ryan just looked at her…**

**Marissa sighed… this was the difficult part… to explain to him what she had been feeling then…**

**Marissa: I couldn't tell you then… a part of me knew that if I had told you… then you would have come after me… done something.. anything to get me out of there… taken the blame… thrown away your future… I couldn't let you do that… but even if that hadn't happened there was another part of me that just wanted to set you free… for once I wanted you to be guilt free… for once I wanted you to be responsibility free… for once I wanted you to be baggage free… the baggage that I kept bringing in your life… you and me… we were a disaster together. Too many things kept happening… I couldn't make you happy… I… I was too broken down to let you see me that way… too shattered… I … I wanted to do it on my own… I cant explain to you but… I needed that confidence in me… when I completed my therapy I began to pick up the pieces of my life. I got into college… cleaned myself up… graduated this fall… then got myself transferred over here for my internship in psychology. I don't know… I wanted you to have a separate life I guess… **

**Ryan: you mean… you didn't want to be a part of mine…**

**Ryan said it so softly… almost as if speaking to himself… but Marissa heard it…**

**Marissa: it wasn't like that.**

**Ryan: ( looked up… suddenly angry again) how else was it?**

**Marissa sighed… then ran her hand through her hair… she wasn't really sure how she was going to get through to him… but she just couldn't let him think she didn't need him in her life when that had been so far away from the truth. She had been needing him with every breath she took. But she had sincerely felt that it had been for the best.**

**Marissa: Ry… it is always been me who needs you. When something bad happens to me I am not capable of dealing with it because I feel that I cant… I have never really tried it on my own and this made me realize how incapable I was. Nobody was going to save me Ryan… except you… and if you did that… sooner or later I would drag you down. And so I had to let you go. With me dead you would have your life back…**

**Ryan: ( looking incredulously at her) is that what you think I had?**

**Marissa: it was at least better than what you had with me…**

**Ryan: the happiest days of my life were the ones I spent with you…**

**Marissa: and how many were they? In the 3 years that we were together I must have given you maybe a month of happiness and the rest was just so much of sadness…**

**Ryan: and in the 6 years apart I lived a lifetime of sadness… did you think about that? did you think about why I would have come after you had I known that you were alive…? **

**Marissa: I… what…? Why?**

**Ryan: because I loved you… coz in spite of everything… all the ups and downs… I never ever stopped loving you… and coz I … (sighs, then takes a deep breath, not able to continue) **

**but he looked at her then… letting her see everything … every emotion that he was feeling… **

**Ryan: You know what my biggest regret was when I thought you had died… it was that I never got the chance to tell you how much I loved you…**

**Marissa looked at Ryan… a stunned expression on her face. had she really heard it correctly. Did he really say what she thought he said? She had to make sure that what she had heard was true… her eyes strayed to his and this time she saw them like she had never seen them before. They were naked… completely uncovered… all his emotions on the surface… no wall of protection covering them… stormy… there was so much love there… and so much pain…**

**Ryan looked at her… all the time that she had been telling him about everything… he had been silently suffering… wondering why it had happened?… but in that moment he understood her completely… utterly… because if the situation was reversed and he had been the one dealing with it all he would have done the exact same thing that she had done. He would have disappeared believing she would have been better off without him… he marveled at how alike they were underneath it all… how guilt ridden their entire relationship was… how they kept finding each other ever since the first time they had met… and how desperately he still loved her and always would… **

**Softly he grazed his lips against her… slowly… hesitantly… not really sure how she would take it after all these years… she ran her hands through his hair and it was like all these years in between hadn't really happened. He opened his mouth and let his tongue tangle with hers, the kiss deepened, then exploded. He wasn't really sure how it happened but one moment it was slow and full of love… and the next moment It was hard and needy and he was on top of her. He didn't really want to stop… he wanted to absorb all of her into him… he wanted to absorb the fact that she was alive… **

**She didn't want to stop… it had been so long and she had waited so long to have those arms around her. She knew it had been hard for him to know that she was dead but it had been doubly hard for her to know that he was alive and just a phone call away… on some nights she had needed him so much she thought she would die but she hadn't called. Not even when she had been crying her heart out in those initial months of rehab… not even when she was getting bullied by people in the juvy… and not even when she had finally begun to pick up the pieces of her life. She just couldn't bring herself to… if she would have called… heard his voice… she would have broken down right then and there… and he would have known.**

**Ryan (breathing hard now…) I can't seem to stop…**

**Marissa: me either…**

**Ryan: are you ready for this?**

**Marissa: I have been ready since the first moment I saw you…**

**Ryan: then I better take you to my place… its been so long… and we've waited this long… we can definitely do better than a lifeguard stand…**

**Marissa: you just read my mind…**


	7. the 'crest' and the 'trough'

(the next morning… Ryan's bedroom)

He watched her sleeping beside him, her head on his chest, her long golden hair spread out, her face snuggled in the crook of his neck, her expression serene and untouched, a smile on her face, her long eyelashes fanning her cheek. She was holding him even in her sleep like she would never let go. He felt her steady breathing… in… out… in… out… her breath mingling with his, matching his. How many days had he spent hoping against hope that he could just hear her breathe? He had never realized how much he had loved her until the day he had lost her. All ha had thought of in those months was the precious seconds that he had wasted fighting with her, denying his love for her. There had been no one else that had ever come close to how he felt about her. There had been no one else who could ever understand him the way she did. He was never doing that again. Because he knew he couldn't afford to lose her again. She just felt absolutely, terrifyingly, terrifically right!

A slow smile crept across his face as he saw her pulling the covers even more firmly around them. looked like she was getting cold. he moved to gently lay her aside so he could get up and get more blankets but she wouldn't budge. Instead she snuggled even more deeper into him putting a long, slender, naked golden leg around his waist. He looked at the leg a moment longer, then looked at what it was doing to him, as it went up and down around his waist evoking a multitude of reactions in him. Ah…well, being the gentleman that he was he would have to make sure that she was warm. Really…he reasoned… he had no choice but to wake her up...

In one swift motion he overturned their positions so that he was on top. Still… no response. He kissed the tip of her nose. then. Softly he kissed her lips. he began kissing her tummy and slowly moved upwards. If he knew her and her ticklishness well and he thought he did she would wake up about… 3… 2…1…

Marissa spluttering and opening her eyes…

Ryan: now…

M: what the hell?

Seeing Ryan's blond hair and blue eyed face inches from her tummy…

M: oh I am so going to get you for that…

R: hmm… looking forward to it!

M: really…?

They both began tickling each other. They were totally laughing and spluttering when all of a sudden the laughter died from their faces replaced by a charged moment. Ryan moved to kiss Marissa on the mouth… when…

Seth opening the bedroom door, not really seeing anything under the covers…

Seth: hey Ryan… wake up man.

Ryan and Marissa both stilled under the cover.

Seth pulled open the blinds as sunlight streamed into the room. He saw Ryan's bulk under the covers… weird he thought… Ryan seemed to have grown bigger and bulkier in a day… oh well… this was Newport. Weirder things had happened…

Seth: man… Its like 7 in the morning. I was expecting you to be up and brooding by now. did you find a new way of brooding? You do it in your sleep now?

Marissa mimed 'yes' Ryan shushed her by kissing her as she erupts in laughter against his mouth.

Seth: And what happened to you yesterday? You just like disappeared after that entertaining show that you put up. And Marissa's been missing since then too. Summer's worried sick man, which is why she has commanded you on a Marissa mission today. And she has said that she doesn't care what issues you have with her or yourself but to only show her your face if you have Marissa in tow with you.

Ryan and Marissa both were shaking with silent laughter by now. "I do have you in tow" Ryan whispered mischievously very close to Marissa's ear…

Seth: hurry up man… I've tried searching for her everywhere… the life guard stand, the diner, the pier, all our usual hangout places…

Mumbling as he pulls open the covers partially, shock making him speechless for a moment…

Seth: except… it seems… here!

Ryan giving Seth a half annoyed a half exasperated look…

Ryan: man… don't you ever knock?

Seth: (plopping down on the bed) well… the last time I checked there was a little invention called a lock…

So… Marissa… Marissa… Marissa…

Marissa: (awkwardly as she blushes profusely) yes Seth, glad you're finally learning my name.

Seth: ahh… well… things are looking pretty good around here aren't they? I mean no broken furniture… bed seems to be alright…! you two do know how to surprise everyone. I mean, who'd have thought after last night…

Ryan: (seeing Marissa getting awkward) yeah… well… things are good, so if you could just…

Seth: yes… yes… get out you mean… yes, I will… let me just get my bearings okay… I mean wasn't it just 12 hours before when you told me never to mention the name Marissa again… you should just have said you have a problem only with the name… I would have called her something else…

Ryan: (smiling) Seth… get out!

Seth: and he is actually smiling when he is saying it right now…

Ryan: Seth…

Seth: and the smile turns to murder in just a few seconds… fine… fine… I am going… I am gone…

As Seth left, Ryan looked at Marissa…

Marissa: that was even weirder than Kirsten walking in on us…

Ryan: I know… but he is gone now… (with a seductive look in his eyes)

Seth has barely even made to the door when he hears…

Summer: Cohen you there? Is Ryan up yet? We have to hurry…

Before Seth could stop her… summer walks into the room followed closely by a completely disheveled Seth…

Summer: We have got to go and find… (coming face to face with Ryan and Marissa trying to kiss) COOP! (shock on her face) You're here … with Ryan…I mean together…

Marissa: uhh… yeah…

Seth: I tried stopping her, but the woman… will she ever listen to me?

Summer: (taking in everything in one glance) looks like things did work out yesterday…

Marissa smiles…

Marissa: yeah… they did!

Ryan: way better than expected…

Seth: you know what this means guys… we could be "the older and better fab four" again… I was running out of new ideas for my next comic book anyways…

Summer: hmm… we could hang out at the mall together…

Ryan and Seth together: no mall…

Summer and Marissa both laugh at the look of horror on their faces…

Marissa: For now I'll settle for breakfast… the diner anyone?

Ryan: sounds perfect!

Seth and summer: deal!

Seth and summer leave the room to allow Ryan and Marissa to get dressed.

Seth looking at summer frown…

Seth: hey… so Marissa and Ryan are back together… you should be happy…

Summer: I am happy…

Seth: so why the long face?

Summer: it's just… Marissa is back in Newport for what… like two days? And they have spoken to each other… what? Maybe once?

Seth: twice actually… you forgot "the fight" yesterday at our party…

Summer: I was trying to… but anyways, my point is they are like beyond rushing things…

Seth: yeah well, they are "Ryan and Marissa"! they have a name to live up to…

Summer: too bad … the names come attached with way too many break ups and misunderstandings to count…

Seth: don't worry about them. They are like the 'waves'… the crests and the troughs… right now they are on the tallest crest. Let them ride it!

Summer: hmmm… you know what I am worried about though… right?

Seth: what?

Summer: that the trough might just be right around the corner…

(The diner…)

Summers, Seth, Ryan , Marissa are sitting in their usual booth. The waitress comes to take their orders…

waitress: so what can I get you guys?

Seth: pancakes would be good for me.

Ryan: yeah, same for me…

Summer: hmm, I am trying to lose the baby weight. So ill go with a sandwich.

Marissa: uhh… I think I'll go with a double cheeseburger, chili fries, and a chocolate shake…

Ryan chuckled…

Ryan: someone looks hungry today…

Seth: yeah… I mean what will people say? Remember, you are supposed to be the chick who battled anorexia once…

Marissa: hmm… I don't care… I feel like I have no energy left… God! I am so hungry.

Summer: yeah… an awesome, mind-blowing sex usually tends to do that to you…

Both Ryan and Marissa blush

Summer: (grinning as she looks at their telltale blushes) Atwood… looks like you haven't lost your touch…

Marissa: (smirking at her) no he hasn't!

Summer: like you've got loads of people to compare it to.

Marissa: (smiling mischievously) maybe I do…

Ryan: (raising his eyebrows and smiling) oh you do… do you? Then I'll just have to do something to erase them from your mind.

Marissa: somebody's being too full of oneself…

Ryan: nah… I am just confident about you…

Everyone was laughing by then… well everyone except Seth because somehow he thought he picked up a slight underlying tremor in Ryan's voice…

A guy walks in the diner at about the same time. He goes over to the counter…

Counter lady: can I help you?

Guy: (winking at the lady) hey doll you sure can… I am looking for Marissa cooper?

All four turn towards the sound of her name. Marissa jumps out of the booth and runs towards the guy. The guy picks her up and twirls her round and round.

Marissa: hey… what are you doing here?

Guy: Is that the way they wish people in Newport? Where's my kiss?

And with that the guy kisses her full on the mouth…

Summer's spoon clattered on the floor, Seth's mouth hung open, and Ryan's entire demeanor stilled…

Ryan watched this entire byplay with nothing but an absolute gut wrenching, blood curling fear in the pit of his stomach. He felt as if someone had punched him in the gut. He couldn't hear what they were saying but what was the guy doing kissing his girlfriend? At least that's what they were, weren't they? From the way Marissa had spoken to him last night, he was under the impression that she had been in love with him. But they hadn't really talked about stuff. What if last night hadn't meant anything to her? The 'old Marissa' had been confused and lost but she had never been casual or cheated on him. This 'new Marissa' was confident and sure of where she was going and what she wanted. What if she had changed in other aspects too? Suddenly his earlier claim that he was confidant about her started to feel very hollow to his own ears. All his old jealousies and insecurities resurfaced as he felt the anger bubble inside him…

(at the counter)

Marissa looked at Jason as she put on a stern expression.

Marissa: common Jace… you can't behave like that with me. How many times have I told you not to kiss me…

Jason: (winking at her) and how many times have I told you that that's the way they say hello from where I come from…

Marissa: from where you come from is the la-la land…

Jason: aww… you are hurting my feelings…

Marissa: and ill be dead before I believe that. God, am I happy to see you or what? Common, I'll introduce you to everyone…

Taking his hand and dragging him to the booth…

Seth saw Marissa walking the guy over to their table with something close to absolute trepidation. He looked at them walking uncomfortably close then looked at Ryan's expression. Oh… boy… not good… he looked at Ryan's eyes then… looked like he was going to punch the guy… oh boy… definitely not good…

Marissa: hey everyone… this is Jason.

Then looking at Jason,

Marissa: and this is summer, Seth, and this is Ryan…

Jason: (smiling) oh… so you are Ryan…

Ryan: (eyes blazing with anger) yeah… I am Ryan.

Suddenly the atmosphere became extremely tense and charged.

Jason tentatively shook Ryan's hand…

Jason: uh… it's nice to finally meet you. I have heard so much about you…

Ryan: (looking at Marissa) funny… but I didn't hear anything about you…

The air crackled with electricity as Ryan's deep eyes bore into Marissa's.

Marissa: (fully seeing Ryan's expression for the first time) uh… I was going to tell you… Jace and I… we've been friends for a long time. I met him in therapy…

Ryan: (with a bite in his voice) like all your 'other friends'? figures…

Seeing Marissa's stricken expression at his uncalled for oblique reference to Oliver Ryan felt a slight amount of guilt…

Ryan: (running his hands through his hair and sighing as he tried to control his emotions) I should probably go… late for office… Jason, you should sit down. The food here is really good… but you probably know that already…

With that Ryan leaves…

No one spoke anything for a couple of seconds as both Seth and summer turned to look at Marissa. Marissa sighed as she sat down at the place emptied by Ryan. She was so used to Jason behaving that way around her that she hadn't realized how it would look to someone else. There was nothing there at all. That was just the way Jason was. He behaved that way around all his friends. And she was one of his closest one.

Meanwhile…

Summer looked over at both of them giving them a very perceptive glance. She looked at Marissa… there was absolutely nothing there. She looked at Jason. There maybe something there but it was buried way down. The more she looked she became more and more sure that they actually were just friends in spite of their more than unfriendly greeting a while ago…

Seth suddenly remembered summer's earlier conversation with him.

Seth: (looking queerly at Jason) is your surname 'trough' by any chance?

Jason: what?

Summer kicks Seth under the table…

Summer: nothing really… sometimes my husband talks just to make sounds…

Jason: uh… okay…

Summer: we should probably go too. I bet you guys have a lot of catching up to do. Coop… I'll talk to you later?

Without waiting for any response summer dragged Seth out of the booth…

Marissa: I am sorry about.. you know…

Jason: oh no… no problem. it is totally cool.

Marissa: so tell me… what brings you here?

Jason: work…

Marissa: really? How's that?

Jason: I got transferred over here. (waited for a millisecond before adding) I am your new boss…

Marissa: what?

**(Ryan's office – lunch hour)**

Ryan was sitting on his desk staring into space. Great way to go Atwood… his girlfriend was kissing some stranger and he was here procrastinating about it. Great. Just great. Okay so maybe it had looked a little too suspicious from where he was standing. But he knew Marissa would never do that. Would she? It was just that there was way too much similar history between them and his overactive jealous streak had kicked into place. It was not just that either. If it was true, if she had a boyfriend then she would hurt him more than she had ever hurt him before and he wasn't sure this time he could handle that.

Seth enters… 

Seth: hey…

Ryan: not now Seth… I am busy…

Seth: I can see that… seeing as you've got absolutely no paperwork on your desk and you are staring into space…

Seth: okay… no talk… right… so did you speak to Marissa after our little diner rendezvous…?

Ryan: didn't get the time… busy…

Seth: hmm… monosyllables…perfect… we're getting back our old Atwood…

Seth: wow…no response… even more in character…

Seth: okay… so did she call you?

Ryan: what is this? 20 questions?

Seth: so she did!

Ryan gives him a look…

Seth: so…

Ryan: I didn't pick up… I had something else on my mind…

Seth: and would that be punching a 30 something tall, blond haired, blue eyed Luke look alike who just happened to have a knack of playing pirouette with a lean friend of ours?

Ryan: (got up from his chair and faced Seth, his eyes boring into him) now why would you think that?

Seth: coz maybe I have eyes and I know you well?

Ryan: (showing his frustration for the first time) yeah… yeah… I have eyes too, and today morning was clear enough.

Seth: but shouldn't you at least talk to her?

Ryan: (shouting) about what? He is just a friend, she was just helping him out, and they connected blah blah blah. I know the story back to front especially since this is happening to us for like the millionth time.

Seth: okay if not talking to her and brooding about it works for you…whatever… I wont interrupt. Its just I know that you know that this is it. That she is 'it'. Then why are you complicating it?

Ryan: I am not. She is…

**(meanwhile Marissa and Jason at the diner…)**

Marissa sneaked a look at her phone for the 'nth' time now. Twice she had tried it. Twice she had received his voice mail. She was starting to get angry now… typical Ryan! He would rather brood about it than talk to her about it. She couldn't believe he was actually ignoring her calls. She looked at her phone again…

Jason: just give him a call ,girl…

Marissa: tried that. Voice mail. Probably busy…

Jason: you want me to bash up the jerk? Knock some sense into him?

Marissa: (smiling) no thanks… but I doubt you'd be able to bash him up anyways… he is better in that department than you are… and he is not a jerk.

Jason: okay… so why is he acting like one?

Marissa: its… its just I think today morning may have looked to him like there was more than what really was and well…he is Ryan. (as if that explained everything)

(looking at Jason's confused expression)

Marissa: It's more complicated than that.

Jason looked at Marissa. Okay, so maybe he didn't know this Ryan. And maybe he didn't get their whole deal. But he did know a few things about relationships. And he did know Marissa. She could be confused sometimes and lost sometimes and withdrawn sometimes. She needed someone who could sort out through all those feelings and find the real 'her'. Now if the guy couldn't even talk to her about his own feelings, forget about hers, then it was tough... real tough…

Jason: honey… you've been in love with the guy since you were 16. since I met you, you have not even dated another guy in spite of my numerous efforts in that direction. If he can't give you even this much credit for it, then I think it's time you moved on…

Marissa: look…I know how it must look to you… but in the past I have hurt him many times… and well Ryan… he doesn't trust people easy…

Jason: but it's not people, it's you we are talking about. How is this relationship going to work without trust?

Marissa: (looked at the phone again… then looked at him) you're right about that…

**(At that moment phone rings)**

Marissa: hello

Ryan: hey… it's me… uh… I was wondering if maybe you wanted to meet up like this evening?

Marissa felt a sigh pass through her as she heard Ryan's voice at the other end. She knew she should be angry at him for treating her with so little trust but right now she just felt relief.

Marissa: (biting her lips) uh.. yah… okay… I am at the diner right now. Do you want me to pick up something and come to your house?

Ryan released a breath that he didn't even know he had been holding as he heard her response. How had things become this complicated just a day after they had gotten together?

Ryan: (running his hands through his hair) okay.

Suddenly hears voices in the background.

Ryan felt his breath catch in his throat…

Ryan: who are you with?

Marissa could have killed herself to be at any other place at this time except here with Jason.

Marissa: (biting her lip) uhh… nobody… see you at 7?

Ryan: (with narrowed eyes) uh… okay!

Seth and summer's house Seth: so… Ryan and marissa… 

Summer: I was thinking of the same thing…

Seth: weird… but this time I thought it would really be 'it'.

Summer: me too…

Seth: what with marissa going into rehab and supposedly becoming more mature…

Summer: and Ryan having mellowed down a little with age…

Seth: no… but Marissa had to go ahead and complicate things…

Summer: what do you mean? It isn't her fault.

Seth: oh and Jason just dropped out of the sky is it?

Summer: and Ryan just forgot to trust her, is it?

Seth: hey… hey… give the guy a break. Marissa's been pulling stunts like this ever since the first moment they met.

Summer: and Ryan's been hurting her by not trusting her since about that time too.

Both of them sighed as they thought back to two their best friends and their complicated relationship.

Seth: how is it that two people who love each other so much continually tear each other apart.

Summer: I don't know. But this has to stop.

Seth: I couldn't agree more…


	8. to believe or not to believe

_Marissa stood outside Ryan's house and raised her hand to ring the bell for what seemed like the millionth time. She knew she was being a coward, but she just couldn't help it. How many times had Ryan had called her only to tell her that he wanted some time apart? That this wasn't working for him? She felt the butterflies in her stomach. Only 3 days gone and already on shaky ground. Way to go … cooper… she thought. She just wished he would talk to her about it. If he would just listen to what she had to say, they could get past it. But knowing Ryan… well… who knew what was in store?_

_Ryan checked his watch for what seemed like the millionth time. It was already 7.15. Where was she? Was she with Jason? No… don't go there. He admonished himself. He had promised himself this afternoon that he wouldn't think about it. He was going to trust her. He was going to take a chance rather than letting this spoil their relationship like so many times before. He didn't want to tell her how much he was hurting. Talk… was never good for him. He would just rather show her that they were fine. But knowing Marissa… well, who knew what was in store. _

_The doorbell rang, jarring him out of his thoughts, as he went to open the door. _

_For a moment no one spoke, as they each looked at other…. _

_**Marissa: hey… **_

"_**Hey", **__he replied with a smile as he backed her up to give her a smoldering kiss._

"_**Whoa… what's up with you". **__Marissa managed to get out before she kissed him back fervently. Something was up with him but who was she to look a gift horse in the mouth…_

_Ryan had started out wanting to let her know that everything was great between them, but as soon as she was in his arms, he hadn't been able to control himself. All of a sudden he wanted to reassure himself that last night hadn't been a dream, that she was as much his as she had been the other night. He pried open her mouth with his lips as his tongue entered her mouth stroking her's to a feverish pitch. She returned the gesture right back as she shifted their positions allowing her better access to him and they both stumbled on to the couch…_

_Both of them were totally lost in each others feel as their tongue's collided with each other and their hands roamed each other's body. What had started out as a simple kiss of reassurance had soon accelerated to one of hungry demands and ragged breathing as both of them lost control. Ryan's hand moved to open the top button of Marissa's shirt as his lips moved down to trail hot kisses down her neck. Marissa leaned into it as a sigh escaped her involuntarily. Oh God… he could always do that to her. One kiss and her thoughts went right out the door as exquisite feelings invaded her body. She ran his legs down his body and without really thinking Ryan flipped them causing them to fall off the couch…_

_**Marissa: ouch…**_

_**Ryan: you okay…? **__Concern evident in his voice as he simultaneously tried to control his ragged breathing…_

_She rubbed her head where she'd hit the ground…_

_**Marissa: yeah….**_

_Way to ruin the moment Atwood… he thought…_

_**Ryan: uh… sorry about… you know…**_

_Great, so now he was mumbling. But she just shrugged as she laughed up at him, teasing him, her gorgeous blue eyes sparkling and he grinned sheepishly back at her. She was so beautiful… he thought, every inch, every plane, every crevice… but it were her eyes… her gorgeous blue eyes that could be strongly passionate and fearfully vulnerable at the same time that were his total undoing…_

_He moved to get up from her, attempting to make them more comfortable, but she pulled him back. Softly he kissed her and she smiled. It was then that it happened. He didn't know what triggered it… probably the fact that she had smiled exactly the same way at Jason earlier this morning but in a moment he pictured Marissa and Jason together. He tried to dispel the image from his mind, but it just wouldn't go… jealousy burned inside him and anger took hold of him and he just knew that this wasn't going anywhere. In one motion he picked himself off her and turned away…_

_**Ryan: I can't do this…**_

_**Marissa: (shocked) what?**_

_She tried to imagine what had gone wrong. One moment it was great and the next moment he was withdrawing from her…._

_**Marissa: uh… you don't wanna do this… ?**_

_She stuttered as her throat contracted and tears came into her eyes. What had happened? Why was he rejecting her? What had she done wrong? All of a sudden she felt very naked although she was practically fully clothed. Quickly she picked herself up from the ground and tugged her top back into place. She couldn't imagine when was last time she had felt so vulnerable? Then she remembered Valentine's Day all those years back and she felt even more miserable. Ironic, she thought, how this situation was almost similar to the other…_

_**Marissa: uh… I have to... get out of here…. **_

_She mumbled as she made a mad dash towards the door…._

_That was when he realized what he had actually done. He had been so caught up in his own thoughts that he hadn't realized that he had practically turned his back on her. He didn't want her leaving like that…_

_**Ryan: wait... Wait… stop, just stop…**_

_He said, blocking her path trying to get her to look at him. But she avoided his eyes. He didn't move from his place. Finally after a long moment she raised her eyes to him and he felt pole axed by the emotions he saw there. She looked so sad and vulnerable and embarrassed. God… what was he doing? He was screwing everything up and he didn't know how to make things right… he moved to take her in his arms, but she just flinched at his touch. God… he was such an ass…_

_**Ryan: sorry… **_

_He whispered softly… unable to meet her eyes…_

_**Marissa: sorry, you can't do this…?**_

_**Ryan: no, sorry I acted like a jerk out there… **_

_Finally he met her eyes trying to convey to her how sincere he was…_

_**Marissa: why…?**_

_She whispered, her blue eyes wide and vulnerable, a thin sheen of tears forming on them, as she fidgeted nervously with her finger… she just needed to know this…_

_Ryan felt his heart break when he looked at her like that. He knew what she was asking him, but he didn't want to tell her. He couldn't tell her. What was he going to say? That he had pictured both of them together when he was kissing her? That even though his logical brain told him that he must trust her, his heart questioned it every step of the way? That even though he knew that she had done everything for him, he couldn't completely forgive her for pretending to be dead? He didn't know… he just didn't know anymore…_

_That's when Marissa knew what this was about… did she really think that Ryan was going to let today morning drop that easily? He might want to, she knew, but that didn't mean that he could…_

_**Marissa: uh… about to day morning…**_

_But Ryan cut her in mid sentenced…_

_**Ryan: look… don't explain… its no big deal.**_

_Marissa's eyes widened with surprise…_

_**Marissa: its not…?**_

_**Ryan: no, I mean he is your friend. I get that.**_

_**Marissa: so… Jason kissing me at the diner didn't affect you at all?**_

_Ryan looked down, not wanting to let her see how vulnerable he felt…_

_**Ryan: nah… **_

_Sometimes Ryan could be so obtuse, she thought. Did he really think that she couldn't read the way his eyes shifted or the way there came a tremor in his voice? So he still didn't trust her enough in spite of all that had happened. He still wouldn't talk to her. That just cut her deep and hurt her a lot. It hurt her even more than his earlier rejection of her. She couldn't take it. She started to leave when she felt Ryan's hand stopping her…_

"_**what?", Ryan said, clearly confused. **__He couldn't figure out what had happened out there, but he knew this much. It was definitely more than him acting like a total jackass earlier. He saw it in her eyes, in the way her lower lip trembled, in the way her hand shook in his. How many times had he seen the very same expression on her face? _

_**Marissa: nothing…**_

_She turned away from him as she shook his hands away…_

_**Ryan: Marissa… talk to me…**_

_Marissa whirled around as she spoke, her voice shaking from holding back so many emotions…_

_**Marissa: just like you talk to me?**_

_**Ryan: what's that supposed to mean? **_

_His own voice started reacting to the anger he heard in her's…_

_**Marissa: tell me something, will you? When will you trust me enough to tell me what you are really feeling? When will you trust me enough to tell me when I hurt you? You were clearly affected with Jason kissing me. What's wrong in telling me about it?**_

_Marissa felt tears well up in her eyes and she hated herself for it. Just a moment back, she had been so happy. How did he manage to do that? Make her experience these extreme emotions in a matter of seconds. Truth was, where he was concerned, her emotions were always so on surface that she couldn't handle it. She was not going to cry…_

_Ryan sighed. He had known this was coming. He had known that they couldn't pretend that everything was normal when it was clearly not. But he had wanted to try. _

_**Ryan: its not that I didn't want to tell you… I just knew that I had to trust you if this thing had to work so…**_

_**Marissa: so keeping it to yourself until it gets too much is your solution to it?**_

_She wasn't even sure why she was getting so angry anymore when that was the last thing she wanted. She knew he was just trying to work things out, but this was just so typical of him, that she felt her hackles rise. Just typical. He had a problem with her, he had an issue with her, he would just sit, brood about it, come to his own conclusions and take action. What about telling her? What about sharing with her? he wasn't a talking person… she got that. She had lived with it her whole life. But sometimes she needed him to talk it out… clear the air… but he was never there…_

_Ryan ran a frustrated hand through his hair as anger took hold of him. He wondered however hard he tried, why couldn't he figure her out? Why couldn't she see that he was doing all this for her? It was a big step for him, not letting his natural defenses rise especially where this issue was concerned, since she was the reason he was being so insecure in the first place…_

_**Ryan: I don't understand you… (**his voice shaking with anger**) I am the one who is making himself okay with the fact that you were kissing a guy. What more do you want?**_

_She stared at him incredulously…_

_**Marissa: what more would I want? How about wanting you to tell me if some thing is bothering you for a change? We can't keep doing this Ryan. We can't keep moving around in circles. I know it's not easy for you. But… please… please… can we try?**_

_He looked at her as his eyes locked with her's. He never could deny her when she was looking like that, like she was looking right through his soul undoing every thought, every emotion that was there. There was such simplicity there, such grace in her gaze that he felt his breath catch in his throat. Nobody… and nobody else could make him feel this way… like he had won and lost at the same time…_

_**Ryan: okay…**_

_**Marissa: okay…?**_

_**Ryan: okay…**_

_Marissa felt Ryan wrap his arms around her as she went to him. All the tension drained from her as she let her body sag against his, letting him support her. She felt like nothing and no one could touch her here… in his arms… in his eyes… that was her safest place to hide…_

_For a moment no one spoke. None of them wanted to ruin this moment that they were caught up in. it was their moment. Answers to the questions would come later. They just stood like that for what seemed like an eternity. finally, Marissa spoke…_

_**Marissa: so lets start again… why didn't you pick up my phone calls today?**_

_**Ryan: I thought… you… Jason…**__ (his words jumbled up) __**were... uh… together.**_

_**Marissa: (**__looked up at his eyes trying to convey to him the truth) __**I know it looked weird, but there is nothing like that. Jason is just a good friend of mine. That's just the way he is. He is like that with everyone. That's just the way he greets people…**_

_Ryan raised his eyebrows…_

_**Ryan: by kissing people?**_

_**Marissa: it didn't mean anything. Not to him and not to me. There is no need for you to get an idea like that…**_

_Ryan looked incredulously at her as he took an involuntary step back…_

_**Ryan: no need? Hmmm… let me see… a guy whom you met in therapy… who kisses you and whom you can really talk to. Ring any bells? **_

_Marissa got what Ryan was feeling right now. If anyone had, he had a right to feel insecure about the whole thing, seeing as she had always allowed some guy to come in between them. But at the same time she needed him to understand that she really had changed. That, in all those times, in spite of how it had looked she had never been in love with any one of them…. Not even Johnny… the only guy she had ever truly been in love with was standing right in front of her… and she needed to tell him that… coz believe it or not… she hadn't told that to him often enough either…_

_**Marissa: Ryan … please look at me…**_

_She held his hands in her, drawing him to her as she softly kissed his mouth, and then looked at him, connecting their eyes. His… were a cloud of blue confusion; hers… were clear, untouched, naked, almost virginally sincere…_

_**Marissa: I love you…**_

_Her sentence was simple, the words extremely overused and yet it was more powerful than anything he had ever heard. It was naked and it was beautiful. He felt his heart mend, inch by slow inch, the fears that he held began to fall apart, the walls that he had built around himself slowly began to erode and with that one sentence said with so much sincerity, he almost began to breathe again._

_**Ryan: I know… **_

_He whispered as he softly stroked her cheeks. Bringing her into his arms, he laid his head on hers , letting her know that he felt the same way and that everything was going to be alright. He didn't need to utter the words; the feel of his hands, the whispered breath, the touch of his forehead against hers told her everything she needed to know. Sometimes it was so easy for them to communicate… all they needed were a few syllables…_

_They stood like that, wrapped in each others arms, the moment too powerful for any one of them to say anything else as time came to a standstill…_

_Finally Marissa spoke…_

_**Marissa: I know this has happened to us many times before, and you have a right to doubt it, but I swear this is different…**_

_Ryan raised a hand to stop her, but she cut him down…_

_**Marissa: no… I need to explain. I need you to understand. Jason is not just someone I met in therapy. He was… is a doctor. His wife was my therapist. That's how I met them. They helped me through one of the hardest times of my life…**_

_**Ryan: you don't need to explain, Riss… **_

_**Marissa: but I want to. I want to make sure that you never have to doubt me or my love again. There has been no one but you, Ry… ever…**_

_He felt his heart swell with pride as he thought of this one gorgeous woman who had been through him through everything. He kissed her softly letting her know beyond words how grateful he felt at all that she had spoken today. She linked her arms around his neck as she looked up at him trying to judge how he had taken everything. _

_**Marissa: so… we okay?**_

_**Ryan: yeah… (**__He whispered against his mouth) __**we're definitely okay…**_

_They kissed each other with all the intensity that they felt. Finally Marissa pulled away from him…_

_**Marissa: hmm… so, you wouldn't mind me telling you that Jason is my boss now, right?**_

_Ryan's eyebrows shot upwards instantly. He had so not been prepared for that…_

_**Ryan: you like to keep me on my toes, don't you? **_

_**Marissa: I try…**_

_**She said impertinently before kissing him as all thoughts of Jason flew out the window…**_


	9. the perfect date gone wrong

**_(author's note: hey... so i know i havent updated in a while and im really, really sorry for that. but i am now kind of confused as to where i want this story to go. when i started this i had a pretty good idea. i do have the next few chapters lined up so ill be updating more often. guys, review...)_**

"Knock, knock… can I come in?", Jason said, walking into Marissa's office. Marissa was completely immersed in work as she pulled some papers to be filed and looked over some other records. Internship in psychiatry was a drag, it wasn't all talking to patients and doing the clinical side of the work but it was also long hours of sleepless nights, emergency's at the hospitals, countless paperwork and running around looking for the right file or something and Marissa was feeling the full weight of it.

"Hey Jace… ", she said, not even bothering to look up as she filed the newest records. Last week had truly been completely hectic and not just on the work front. After the talk that she and Ryan had had, things had definitely improved and even though everything wasn't really all that normal as yet, it was definitely better than expected. Infact, if she should say so herself, things were even better than what they had in high school! She mused how things had come about. It had been so unexpected. She had told Ryan of her plans to look for an apartment last weekend in the hope that he would help her find one. But, he had quietly asked her to move in with him instead. The fact that he showed this much trust and believed in their relationship so much even after all that had happened made her ecstatic. She'd promptly agreed. So with the moving in and the settling down and the new job, she had never been busier…

"So, I was wondering if you could cover for me tonight." Jason asked giving her a very charming grin.

"Jace… I am completely loaded in work… I can't take on more…", Marissa said.

"Common Marissa… please… please… a very pretty please…?.", he pleaded.

. Marissa rolled her eyes at his theatrics. She knew all of them and wasn't about to fall for tham at all. "What's the occasion? Let me guess… there is a football match that you don't want to miss?", she asked sarcastically. There was no way she was going to take on his work, however much he cajoled. She had promised Ryan that she was gonna be home early tonight seeing as they hadn't had much time to themselves lately and Ryan, in one of his very uncharacteristic romantic gestures, had 'this whole thing' planned. She smiled at that, feeling the goose bumps on her body by just thinking about him.

"uh… no. even better. Amy's coming to town", Jason said jolting her out of her thoughts and giving her a wide grin.

"Amy….?" Marissa shrieked excitedly getting out of her chair and giving him a completely ecstatic hug. Amy was Jason's wife and her ex- therapist and also one of her best friend. She was one of the few people who knew Marissa like no other, basically because both she and Jason had seen her in very rough times.

"Knew you'd be like that once you knew my reason…", Jason said smiling. "It's been a month since I last saw her and I want tonight to be perfect. So you covering for me or what?"

Marissa sighed running a hand through her hair. While she was happy that Amy was coming back, she had really wanted some time with Ryan. She bit her lip thinking hard. Oh what the hell… she thought. Amy and Jason deserved some free time after being away from each other for a month and well, she and Ryan would have to reschedule their perfect date!

"Okay…" she said finally.

"Knew I could count on you…" Jason said giving her a hug and walking out of the door.

Ryan checked on the food, then proceeded to light all the candles in the room, bathing the room in a golden light. He set the table and put a single rose in the centre of it and then hit the play button on his cd player. Heartfelt strains of some romantic song filled the air. He looked around the room giving it the once overall. It was perfect! He touched the single rose gently and smiled to himself. When had Ryan Atwood – the tough guy become such a romantic fool? If Seth could see him right now he would surely call him 'whipped' and Ryan wasn't so sure he would be that off the mark! Truth be told, he was really, really happy and that was all thanks to Marissa. Ever since she had moved in here, she had captured his house and made it a home so effortlessly that the house felt really empty when she wasn't in it. After the hectic week that they had had, and with both of their schedule's being so crazy they hadn't really found that much time together and they had promised each other that tonight would be just their night. He couldn't wait for her to get back. Where was she anyway? He frowned. She should be back by now. Suddenly his cell phone rang, jarring him out of his thoughts.

"Hey…" Marissa said, "Where are you? Are you at the office? I hope I'm not interrupting anything…"

Ryan laughed. "Slow down, I'm at home. When are you coming?" he said smiling into the phone.

"Uh… that's the thing I am calling about… I am not sure I can make it early tonight. Umm… I'm stuck at work!", she explained.

"What? But I thought you were going to get free tonight seeing as how you put in all the extra work earlier…"

"I know… but Jason had an emergency and I agreed to cover for him. Is it okay?" she asked feeling really bad about it all.

Ryan looked at the phone in his hand. He was really disappointed that she wouldn't be able to make it earlier but at least she would come home later right? He'd just wait for her.

"Yeah, yeah sure, it's no problem", he said sighing.

"Thanks, ill come home as soon as I can."

"Bye, and drive safe", he said, hanging up the phone. He looked around the room and its perfect setting. Looked like it was going to be a long wait…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marissa ran her hands tiredly over her face as she inserted her key to let herself in thier home. it was already 9.30 pm much later than she had expected. She opened the door to see that the entire foyer was in complete darkness. Ryan must have slept off, she realised. Silently, so as not to awaken him, she made her way towards the pool and almost gasped at what she saw. A thousand candles flickered over the table setting for two. A single rose lay in between. It was beautiful... Suddenly an arm grabbed her and whirled her around as his lips crashed into her.

"hmmm... somebody missed me tonight... ", she moaned into the kiss...

"you like it?" Ryan whispered.

"you wanna know how much?" Marissa teased.

"oh yeah..." he muttered huskily before carrying her over to the table.

"you know, you dont have to do that Ry... i am not exactly as light as i used to be...", she giggled linking her arms around his neck for support.

"you feel the same to me..."

"keep that up and you're definitely getting lucky tonight!"

Ryan laughed,then proceeded to act as if he was throwing her in the pool.

"Oy...", she screamed, "that is so not funny".

"okay, okay, i give up", Ryan said before gently depositing her in her chair. He could see how tired she was, and he didnt want her to catch a cold however fun it would be throwing her in the pool. he pulled out his side of the chair and sat down on it.

"so... how was your day?", he asked. He loved this part of thier newfound relationship. the way they could just silently talk to each other at the end of the day and unwind in each others presence. This was something that they had never had in highschool.

"oh... i've had better", she replied.

Thye continued making small talk throughout the dinner giggling and laughing at the most stupidest thing. they didnt even realise how time went by.

"you know,i am sorry about coming late today and spoiling our plans...", she said feeling guilty about earlier. he had gone through so much trouble and waited up even though she had been so late.

"hey, thats okay...", he said,"by the way, what was the emergency?"

"umm... remember i told you about Jason's wife? Amy?"

"your therapist?"

"yeah... She is coming to town today finally after a month and Jason wanted to do something to surprise her, i guess... so he kinda guilt tripped me into working late..."

Ryan smiled. It was very like Marissa to get guilt tripped in the first place.

"Hey, that is a blessing in disguise. His wife coming to town will make him happy, which will make him less of a slave driver, which will make you happy, which will inturn make me happy...", he teased.

Marissa giggled. "yeah, thats one way of looking at it. By the way, any chance you could get free early tommorrow night?"

Ryan raised his eyebrows and dropped his voice to a husky overtone, "what did you have in mind?"

marissa giggled, "not that... well that too, but Jason and his wife invited us for dinner tomorrow."

"Ah, my first proposal was way better...", he whined. "but okay, if you insist, we could prepone the first proposal to earlier and still humor your boss..."

Marissa laughed, "yeah, or we could prepone the first proposal to way earlier to tonight and still humor my boss..."

"definitely works for me..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	10. the dinner with the jasons

"hey... i am sorry... i am late", Ryan called out as he entered the foyer of thier mansion. oh, she was gonna be so angry... He was supposed to be over here half an hour earlier and here he was late for thier dinner date with Jason and his wife! she was gonna kill him...

"okay, okay, before you say it, i am an ass, but the traffic was... ". his voice trailed off as for the first time he got a really good look at her, standing near the couch. His eyes roved her body from head to foot and his breath caught in his throat. she had on a red strapless knee-length dress which he swore had been made just to torture him. she was looking like a beautiful godess, albiet an angry one...

"you look.. umm.. wow!", he gasped out, unable to say anything else...

"and you are unbelievably late!", she retorted, tapping her stilettos on the carpet, a sure sign of impatience, but she couldnt help the small smile that formed on her face at the way Ryan was looking at her, like she was the most beautiful woman in the whole world, that perfect combination of tenderness and possesiveness that only he had.

Ryan slowly slid his hand around her waist drawing her in.

"so u're sure we dont have much time?", he teased...

"uh.. huh...", she said softening, she really coudnt stay mad at him for long, "now go... or else i am going there without you, and then imagine how much trouble i'll be in wearing a dress like this?"

Ryan did not need telling twice!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The evening had started out amazingly well. After the initial awkwardness between both him and Jason(because of the last time they had met) had been cleared, surprisingly he had found Jason to be a very level headed guy, not a quality he was used to seeing in one of Marissa's friends, and Amy had been absolutely amazing. He still couldnt believe both of them were married, they were so different from each other! Where Amy was the soft, shy kind who hardly ever spoke unless spoken to, Jason was the exuberant, self - involved, loved every aspect of life kinda guy, who couldnt stop talking, and four of them had hit it off immedietely. So it wasnt surprising that he had enjoyed the first part of the evening. What was surprising was how little he was enjoying this part of the evening!

After all of them had ordered dinner and had relaxed enough to enjoy thier wine, the three of them had started talking about all the times that they had shared, and Ryan was feeling left out. Everything between him and Marissa had been going so great that he had totally forgotten that she had had a life before, a life that he hadn't been a part of and all of a sudden he was realising how little he knew about her.

For example, Like the fact that he had had no idea that she had adopted a stray puppy when she had made it her own personal mission to rescue it and when it had died she had cried for two straight days, like he had had no idea that her friend Bruto from therapy had tried to kidnap her and Jason had saved her and that is how she had first met him, like he had had no idea that she had tried dating after therapy but it just hadn't worked for her,like he had had no idea how she had fared in therapy in the first place or what she had done after she had gotten out of it. Jason and Amy who were now her closest friends knew her better than him, and on some level that rankled. He had gradually become silent and was now just listening to everything that they were talking when Jason had asked Amy for a dance. Left alone with Marissa he had no idea how to talk to her about it.

"hey... are you okay?", Marissa whispered as soon as Jason and Amy were out of earshot.

"yeah... yeah, i am fine...", he muttered.

"you dont look fine to me...", she said placing her hand on top of his.

Ryan looked deep into her eyes and felt himself getting lost in them. She meant so much to him, did he mean as much to her? but,this was not the time for them to be having such an important discussion.

Sensing that it was something important that he wanted to say, Marissa started to ask him about it but at that moment Jason and Amy came back.

"Care for a dance, my lovely lady?", Jason asked in an exaggerated scottish brogue, and Marissa laughed.

"sure...unless... Ryan is it okay?", she asked.

"yeah, yeah, dont worry about it", he said, the mood already spoilt. He watched both of them laughing and dancing., the level of comfort they shared with each other was obvious. It was the kind that came with knowing everything about the other person, the kind that he and Marissa had shared in the past.

"hey are you okay?", Amy asked softly, startling him out of his thoughts.

"What was she like when she first came to therapy?". He suddenly asked.

"Tortured", she replied.

Of all the answers he had expected, this wasnt one of them. "you mean like physically?". His blood boiled even thinking about it.

"No. emotionally, mentally, like there were too many horrors in her past, like there was no hope for her in the future..."

Ryan sighed, "She has had a pretty hard life".

"Yeah, but it was more than that. It was like she constantly blamed herself for everything that had happened, like she was the reason why stuff happened, and maybe some of it was her fault, i dont know, but not everything. It took me years to make her believe it and even then..."

She hadn't out and out said it, but he had a pretty good idea what she was talking about. She was talking about Trey, about the brother that had come between them, that had finally spoilt everything between them.

"It was'nt her fault. If it was anyone's fault, it was mine.", he said harshly.

Amy gave him a keenly perceptive glance and he understood what made her such a good psychologist. He'd felt as if he had been x-rayed.

"It was'nt anyone's fault. Sometime's people forget that things just happen.", she said.

Ryan sighed running a hand through his hair,"yeah, we do forget that. We did forget that."

"So the last time i knew her, she was'nt ready to go to college, much less chose a proffesion. What made her?", he asked, wanting to know more about her life before.

"She did it, all by herself. None of us had any part in it. One fine day she just came to me and said that she wanted to help others. People who have similar problems like her own. and she wanted to go to college and get a degree. Ofcourse we helped her, coz by then she had become too close to both me and Jace, but the decision had been all her's!"

Ryan was stunned. Marissa had never before in her life made decisions on her own. She just was'nt good at it, being told by Julie Cooper most of her life what was right for her. He was proud of her, he really was, but it saddened him that he had'nt been there.

"you know its funny", Amy said suddenly, "but i could have sworn that you said, 'the last time you knew her'. dont you feel you know her now?", she asked and once again Ryan was surprised by how keen she was.

"maybe i do... i dont know. so much has changed, you know!", he said and she nodded in understanding...

Both of them got lost in thier own thoughts and for a long moment noone spoke, both looking at thier respective partners...

"you know, when i first married Jace, people kept asking me how i put up with it, Jace being... so ,well, 'Jace'. I mean he practically flirts with every female he meets!", she laughed and he had to smile at that. It was kinda true from whatever he had seen uptill now. "But i know he doesnt mean anything by it and thats what counts to me. I could ask him to stop and i know, he would for me, but then what would be the point of that? I'll be changing him to allay my insecurities and make him conscious about himself. I dont ever want to do that coz i fell in love with the man he is now..."

He knew she was getting somewhere, that it was'nt just because suddenly she had decided that she wanted to share her married life with him, but he couldnt quite grasp what it was.

"i guess my point here is", she continued, "it boils down to how much you believe in your love, if you believe that you wouldnt feel this way about anyone else and if you know that the other person loves you just as much. She does, you know, She loves you a lot. Talk to her about it. Dont let your insecurities spoil something that is so beautiful..."

Ryan frowned, digesting all that she had said. 'Talk' now that had always been difficult for him, to put into words what he felt, to open up enough to make himself vulnerable to the other person. Pretending you didnt care so that you didnt have to get hurt when eventually everything fell apart, coz it always did, was more his speed. So how was he going to tell her all that he was feeling?.

Finally after a long moment, he spoke, "i won't".


	11. the cliffhanger!

Marissa stared out of the window of the car, not really noticing the beautiful scenery passing by. They were now heading back home from thier dinner with Jason and Amy, and Ryan had yet to speak a word to her. No, not really. Actually, he had been the perfect gentleman saying all the right words, at the right time and she doubted whether Jason or Amy would have even noticed, but she knew him better than that, and his current mood indicated that something was troubling him... a lot!She had a nagging feeling that something was wrong, something was very, very wrong...

As soon as they entered thier home, she watched as he made his way over to the sofa and sat down on it, placing his hands on his knees and looking down. Slowly she made her way towards him, sitting down beside him and placing her hands upon his, intertwining thier fingers...

"okay... so what's the matter?", she asked softly.

"is it that obvious?", he asked looking up at her and giving her a half smile...

"well... seeing as you haven't made a single pass at me yet, i'd have to say... yeah...", she teased, and for a moment both of them smiled.

"common Ryan, you know you can tell me anything...", she said softly.

He got up from his sitting position and knelt down in front of her, looking deep into her eyes, eyes that at this moment seemed very confused. He had no idea how he was going to tell her what he was feeling. He never had to, before. Normally she had just understood, and the things that she hadn't had just been left obscure between them...

She frowned, getting more and more nervous as he didnt say a word.

"The things between us have happened so fast that somehow we havent got a chance to actually talk...", He finally said.

"Talk...?", she said stupidly, blinking up at him, not getting what he meant.

He instinctively looked down, hiding his vulnerablity, "I saw you with your friends today...", he mumbled, "and i saw how happy you were and how well adjusted you were, and how comfortable you felt with them, and it made me realise that somehow they knew you better than I did...".

"Ryan...", she said, running a hand through his hair and making him look at her, "i doubt if anyone can know me better than you. You are like my other half. Sometimes i think you know me better than i do! I love you, okay, and i love you because you know me with all my faults and still manage to love me back. I feel so secure when i am with you, like nothing could ever hurt me. They just know stuff that i have told them and yeah, they mean a lot to me, basically because i wouldnt be here today if it wasn't for them, but you've lived with me that whole stuff, how can anyone compare to that?".

He smiled at her, seeing the reassurance that he needed in her eyes.

"Thanks, i needed that",He softly replied, "but thats just it, Riss, you have no idea how much you have changed or how proud i am to see what you have made of yourself, and a part of me realises that it had to have been done alone, but the other part of me wishes that I had been there all along with you and though, i will always be glad that you had someone with you,and as stupid as this sounds,it pains me to know that it wasn't me...", he paused looking at her, "now i'm not making a whole lot of sense, am i? i am rambling like Seth...", he said looking down.

"no, it makes perfect sense", she whispered softly, giving him a shy smile.

This was the first time he had opened up to her so much, allowing her to see so much of himself, and also the fact that he was proud of what she had made of herself meant more to her than even he realised. Ever since she had met him, she had always seeked his approval,in all the things that mattered, consciously asking for it or subconciously seeking it, and now when he'd said that he was, her happiness knew no bounds. A few years back he never would have shared his insecurities with her this openly. But now he had, and that made her realise that slowly they were learning to work together, trust one another.Together they were growing, from thier past, into the present and maybe into future.and sure they had a lot to talk about, and a lot to catch up on, but that could wait a while.

She softly kissed him, needing the contact with him immedietely, "If you want to take it slow, we'll take it slow. Infact...", she said in between kisses, "we'll take it really, really slow..."

He smiled back at her, relieved that she had understood exactly what he had wanted to say. But then again, when had he ever had a problem with that?

"you know, we never had that first 'best date ever' back in highschool. Maybe we could redo it or something", he smiled mischieviously, in between kisses.

"oh, i think we are way past that now...", she said kissing him back.

Their kisses soon grew more passionate, their desperation increasing with each stroke of thier lips. Gently Ryan pushed her back on the couch, his lips following hers without breaking contact. At that moment his phone rang. Neither of them noticed it, neither of them cared. But the ringing grew more and more insistent.

"Take it", Marissa gasped, "before it disturbs us even more".Her breathing was very shallow and she wasnt sure she could take it if it was even one second late.

"ughh...", he said, reluctantly, picking up his cellphone

"Hello", Ryan said angrily, his voice having the strains of the passion he had just shared.

"Uh hey... it's Jason", Jason said, unsure of whether to proceed when he heard the angry reply. "Sorry for calling you Ryan, its just, i didnt want to call Marissa directly because i wasn't sure about telling her over the phone. She's really sensitive and vulnerable and I wanted you to be there with her when she heard this news" Jason's voice sounded hoarse, like he had been crying.

"Whats the matter?", Ryan asked immedietely ,now getting a little worried.

"We were in an accident...", Jason gulped, tears falling down his face freely now as he told the one thing that had,just like that,shattered his life, "Amy... she didnt make it".

"Oh my God...". was all Ryan could say, before the phone clicked shut at the other end.

Marissa had initially frowned when she looked at Ryan, then she had become worried looking at his concerned look, now she was almost sitting on the edge of her seat, on tenterhooks.

"Ryan, whats the matter? what happened?", she asked immedietely.

"There has been an accident...", he said softly, looking into her eyes. Immedietely her eyes connected with his, wanting the reassuarance, a reassuarance that he was'nt able to give and just like that she knew. Her eyes filled with tears.

"Summer?... Seth?... Jason?... Amy?"

She saw the answer in his eyes.

"oh my God... Amy?", She screamed, tears falling down her face. In one moment, her life had shattered.Without thinking, Ryan went and hugged her as she sobbed on him till her tears ran dry, and just like that he knew, that she was never going to be the same again...

(a/n- i am really evil, aren't i? for making them go through this again? but, really, i just wanted them to face everything, so they could emerge stronger... that is my ultimate goal, anyways... so tell me what you guys think? any critisicm is welcome too...)


	12. the disconnection

It had been a month... A month of long, torturous, nailbiting, tears falling, fearful days since the sudden death of Amy. She had died, leaving two people completely shattered in her wake. Marissa had withdrawn more and more into herself ever since that fateful night, the only time she showed any emotion was when she was consoling Jason, and Ryan was worried about her. It was like she was pretending it had'nt happened so that she wouldnt have to face it. He had tried initially to talk to her but she had withdrawn even more. It was like fighting a losing battle, the more he tried to hold it, the more it kept slipping away. Looking back he couldn't pinpoint exactly what had happened. It was a combination of everything really but slowly the gap between them had widened. Jason had left for Chicago right after the funeral saying that he needed to be at the place where him and Amy had first met and he'd thanked Ryan for making all the arrangements for the funeral, inviting Amy's parents and any close relatives to it, and making sure that everything went on okay, but Ryan hadnt really mind that. Because, it had been something to do, something to take his mind off the unbearable pain he felt everytime he looked into Marissa's listless blue eyes and realise the impossible chasm that had now come in between them. There was nothing he could do to fix it... and that hurt more than he would ever allow himself to believe. He had never felt so helpless as now...

He sighed running a hand through his hair as he gently opened the door to thier bedroom. What he found didnt surprise him, because it was something that he had been finding now for a month...

Marissa stared out of the window of thier bedroom, her hands crushing the railing underneath. The past few days had been hell for her. Everytime she thought of what had happened a pain invaded her heart and a million memories came to her mind of the time she had spent with Amy...

_"hi, i'm amy. and you must be marissa...", Amy had said the first time they had a session, giving her a smile. Marissa had stared at her without really replying._

_"do you want to start by telling me why you are here?", Amy had asked kindly._

_"i am here because i have to be. havent you read my profile? dont you know that this is my punishment?"she had bitchily said._

_"ofcourse i have read your profile. and what i have read amazes me, i mean i dont know a single person who has been through as much as you have and still be here. thats why i want to get to know you better.", she'd genuinely said and thats all it had taken for marissa to open up to her._

A single tear rolled down marissa's cheek. This was one more person she had lost that had truly believed in her. The other had been...

_"who's Johnny?", Amy had asked in one of thier many informal sessions._

_"johnny was my... uh... he was a friend. A friend who for some time had believed in me..."_

_Amy had given her one of her keenly perceptive glances._

_"And Ryan?", she'd asked, looking over her spectacles at her. Marissa had shut up._

_"okay, so you dont want to talk about Ryan. Lets talk about Johnny. Its written here that he died. Do you want to tell me how?"_

_Marissa had sighed as tears came into her eyes._

_"I killed him...", she said simply, as if it was the weather she was talking about._

_"But it says here that he jumped off a cliff?", Amy had asked frowning at her. _

_Marissa hadnt been able to stop the tears that had started falling then. "he did that because of me", she'd cried. "he did that because i couldnt love him the way he deserved to. he did that because i was too selfish to think of anyone but myself..."_

_Amy had instantly gathered her in her arms. "okay... okay...", she said trying to pacify her. slowly her tears had stopped. Finally when she was composed enough they had resumed thier session._

_"Ryan was your B.F at the time, wasn't he?", Amy had asked. Marissa had nodded as a form of reply._

_"Was he there for you when Johnny had died?"_

_"ummm... initially he was, but then we broke up", she'd said listlessly, not wanting to get into it. When Amy had arched her eyebrow at that, Marissa had attempted to explain._

_"Ryan and me... well, its always been complicated."_

_Amy had given her a sympathetic glance. "so you were blaming Ryan for your break up?"_

_"No... It was my fault. It was all my fault. Johnny dying, Ryan breaking up, Actually everything thats happened is my goddamn fault"_

The words kept replaying in her mind. 'it was my fault...' 'it was my fault... '. and somehow they merged into the present... 'it **_is_** my fault...', 'it _**is**_ my goddamn fault...' Shaking away the tears that had again pooled her eyes, she realised that her T- shirt was completely wet and more tears kept falling down her face. At that time, Amy had managed to convince her that it had'nt been her fault, that sometimes things just happened but now she didnt believe that. If things just happened, why did they always happen to her? There had to be somehing about her that was wrong. She was the bad luck, that somehow sent all the people she cared about away. And sooner or later she aws going to drive Ryan away... After all that was what had happened when Johnny died, right?

"hey...", Ryan said softly coming into the room, not wanting to startle an apathetic Marissa staring straight outside the window.

She didn't turn around, didn't reply, the only way he even knew that she had heard what he had said was the slight stiffening of her body.

"common Riss, you have to eat something...", he said, " and i dont mean those chocolate bars that you keep gobbling up". When he didnt get any reply, he continued, determined to atleast make her eat a full meal this time.

" Maybe i could make something you like... an omelette or bacon or that pasta you like so much. Or if you are feeling upto it, we could even go out...", he said trying to cheer her up.

"no", she clipped.

"Marissa...", he sighed, moving towards her and rubbing her back. She flinched at his touch and he immedietely removed his hand as if he was burned. The realisation that she did not want even the simplest of touches from him, saddened him even more...

"I am sorry..", he said softly, "i am sorry for the pain you are going through, but i dont know how to fix it..."

" you cant fix it...", she screamed turning around on him and Ryan backed up a few paces from the sheer intensity. " I dont need you to hover around me all the time, I dont need you to pretend that you care and i dont need you to fix it. i just... i dont need you...", she finished, in the process shattering his heart to a million pieces...

"I ... Marissa..."

"You what, Ryan? you want to be there for me? is that what you want to say? you want to help me? is that what you mean? just like you were there for me when Johnny died? Just like you cared for me when that happened? just like you know whats best for me? you know what? I dont need one more person that i care about, to leave me. So why dont you go find another Sadie to help you through what a bitch i am? Just leave me alone... Go..."

Ryan reacted as if he had been physically slapped. Involuntarily he took a few steps back as he fearfully looked at her.A part of him wanted to scream, to shout, to tell her that it wasn't true, the other part of him wanted to accept the entire blame. She had been right. He hadn't been able to help her with Johnny and he wasn't able to help her now. He wondered why he had never been able to be give the one person he cared about what she wanted. Would he ever be enough? For a long moment he stared at her with pain in his eyes, as the fight ran out of him and his shoulders slumped in defeat before he softly turned around and walked out the door, closing the door on thier broken relationship with a soft thud...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As soon as he left, Marissa fell down on the bed, sobbing harder than she had ever sobbed in her life. She sobbed for all the broken dreams that she'd ever had, she sobbed for the fact that her bestfriend and therapist had died, she sobbed for all the people that had left her and gone away, she sobbed for Johnny's death but most of all she sobbed for hurting the one person she loved more than life itself... He hadn't deserved it, when all he'd been trying to do for the past month was be there for her and make her feel better. So then, why had she done it? Why did she keep hurting him? Why had she pushed him away?

She was afraid.

After all the struggle that had taken for her to get to this place, she was still as lost , as broken. And she was afraid that she would drag him down with him again. She was afraid that once again he would find her lacking, that once again he would reject her. She was afraid that once again he would think of her as a burden. And she didnot want that.

Her cellphone beeped and she flipped it open to a message from Jason.

_hey... there is an opening at this centre that i am working at. If you want to take it, its open. Just thought you might want to, with all thats going on... BTW, you'll have to fly in by tonight. Sorry its short notice. Love, Jason..._

She stared at the message for a long time... Maybe it was for the best.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	13. given up on love

_i just... i dont need you _

_i just... i dont need you _

_i just... i dont need you_

The words kept replaying in his mind over and over again, bringing the pain and the realisation with them. He didn't even have the energy to be angry at her anymore, because the guilt that he felt at her words was more powerful than any other emotion that he could have felt. Somehow, someway he had lost her, yet again. She didn't need him, she hadn't needed him then and she didn't need hin now and she couldn't have made it plainer if she'd shouted those words out to him...The last dice had already been cast. No... that was wrong,he thought. The last dice had been cast six years back when Trey had come into thier lives. Now all that was left were the broken pieces and the dream of a love that had never gotten a chance to realise. Who had he been kidding when he'd thought that they could actually work this time? The wounds were too deep, the gashes too painful. For all his obtuseness, he wasn't fool enough to think that her sentences were in anyway connected to the present. No. It went much deeper than that. It was linked to the past, the past which, however hard they tried they couldn't escape. And this, he didn't have the capacity to fight. It was over... and the saddest part was, that it had never had a chance to begin...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marissa wiped a gentle tear from her face as she gave this house one final glance. In so short a time, it had started to mean so much to her. Just like Ryan. Always Ryan. Her eyes closed for a brief moment, taking in the enormity of the decision that she had made. But really, she had no choice. The safest choice right now was to leave, to go. The safest choice was to run away... Her eyes rested on a picture of her and Ryan taken at the kick off carnival the first year when Ryan had come to Newport. It had somehow stuck and Ryan had claimed that it was one of his fondest memories. So,together they had put it on this wall. She smiled at that, a bittersweet smile. This was all she had left now... the memories.

She tensed as she heard the sound of the front door opening. She had waited for him to come home with baited breath. She couldn't have left without talking to him, she couldn't have left without seeing his eyes, she couldn't have left without saying goodbye...

The moment he entered and saw her standing there looking at him with those big, glassy eyes, he knew. Now all that were left were the formalities.

" hey...", she softly whispered.

This single seemingly innocuous word that she had said had always held more meaning to him than any long, drawnout conversations ever had. It could reflect almost any emotion that she wanted to express, ranging from casual to ecstatic to awkward. Today, it was defeated, sad

He didn't reply.

."I am leaving...", she said looking down.

"I know...", he replied coldly, stuffing his balled hands into his jeans pocket.

she looked up, trying to meet his eyes. "I just... I wanted to tell you that it isn't because of you... It isn't because of Amy... Its just, with all that has happened, I think its for the best..."

_with all that has happened..._ The past tense wasn't lost on him...

"I know...", he said again, breezily brushing past her, trying to show he didn't care. coz thats what he did, right?. She felt a lump form in her throat. If only he'd look at her. But then again, she deserved it, she thought."I'm sorry,Ry...", she whispered,choking back tears, committing him to memory.

For a long moment she waited, she didn't know why... maybe to see if he stopped her, maybe to see if he would say anything... but he didn't. So without making any furthur sound, she left.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He sat on his couch staring at nothing in particular. He was still in the same clothes that he had on earlier. Changing clothes would mean going into his bedroom and as wierd as it sounded he was afraid of doing that. Her presence still lingered...

Dammit, Her presence always lingered...

He heard the doorbell ring and for a moment he hoped she'd returned. But, no, that couldn't be. He went to open the door only to see his secretary , Lisa, standing in the doorway.

"Hey, I brought you those papers you were looking for...", She said smiling at him and going over towards the table to deposit them. When he didn't respond, she turned around, to jokingly ask him if cat had gotten his mouth, but the retort froze on her face when she saw his expression.

"Where's Marissa?", she asked, looking around...

"She left", he replied shortly before walking over to the table and picking up those papers, scanning them.

She sat down beside him, then hesitated. She'd never seen him this withdrawn, this hard. Ever since she had started work two years back, she had always found him to be the sweetest person on earth. For a long while, she even had had the biggest crush on him, but she'd always been sensible enough to know that it couldn't work. Untill now... She debated what to do. she wanted to comfort him, to hold him tight. But then what would he think of her if she did that?

She decided to throw caution to the wind and touched her lips into him. "I am sorry that she left you... but i am there".

For a moment Ryan tensed, surprise immobilising him, his brain unable to process what was happening. His hands hovered over in the air, poised to push her away. _What was she doing? This was wrong. He was with... No! he thought, Marissa was gone... She wasn't coming back... She was the one who had left... why? why? why?_ He wound them around her instead pulling her towards him trying to erase his feelings, erase his pain, trying to do the same thing he had done with Sadie, Teresa, Lindsay? and then all of a sudden he knew what he'd done wrong...

_**He had never stopped her.**_

Not once, in all the years that they had been together, had he ever fought for her. He'd always tried to replace her, always let her go. But he'd never once tried to make it right! And just like that he knew where he had to be right now. He had to find her and tell her.

**_He had to make this right!_**

"I am sorry Lisa, but I am very much in love with someone else", he said, before walking out the door.


	14. fight for what you love

**_(sorry... just some mistakes that i edited as i was going through it again before i started the new chapter)_**

(A/n: thanx for the reviews in the last chapter. ok, this chapter is a long one and i really had a hard time completing it because there were so many complex emotions that i was playing with. so, if parts of it are a bit... soapoperaish... well, i felt they needed to be.so, if there are any queries just mail them to me and i am willing to answer. the song put in ryan's pov is goodbye my lover by james blunt. it just suits them so well...There are only 3 more cahpters after this and the last 2 chapters are going to be extremely fluffy. so basically the angst is going to end in the next chapter.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Marissa stared out of the window of her taxi as it sped by, taking her closer and closer to the airport and away from Ryan. She brushed the tears that were falling down her face, refusing to stop. His face was imprinted on her mind, as she'd said goodbye. The hurt that he had been trying to mask as she had said those words... the pain that had come into his eyes before it was replaced by a mask of indifference, the love that had shone just for a second before he pulled away. She had seen that look so many times before... when oliver had come between them... when he'd seen her with D.J, when she'd refused to talk to him after Johnny... And she had hurt everytime... so much. She gripped her handbag tightly, as if it would afford some sort of safety to her. But it didn't. It only made her hurt more. Because at that precise moment Ryan's face swam in front of her eyes yet again...

Why was it that they never worked?she thought, castigating herself. It was always some thing or someone that came in between them. whenever they were together, something always happened to pull them apart. First there was oliver, then teresa, then lindsay, then trey, then johnny, then sadie, then volchok... and now recently... amy...

She looked out of her window at the passing scenery. Each place, each nook and corner, each crevice of Newport brought back memories. some were sad, some happy, som ecstatic. There were friendships lost and friendships gained and some life long friends that still remained, there were hardships faced together and stupid mistakes made, there was shared laughter and there were tears. There was growth and there was failure... but there was one thing that was common to them all...

Ryan.

Was she really ready to give that all up? but then again... was she really ready to face it all?

Images of long forgotten past swam in front of her mind...

._"Ryan... i know you didnt want to attend the concert in the first place... so if you want to go... ".she had said that during that concert that she, oliver and ryan had attended. _

how it must have hurt him...

_"Ryan.. i am worried about johnny"_

_"well, i am starting to get worried too...". he had said that when he had seen her and johnny together down by the pier_...

he had tried to let her know what he was thinking and she hadn't paid any attention.

_"Is that what you think marissa? that Johnny understands you better than i do???"_

_"Ryan... I...". but her face had said it all. and she had seen that hurt look come into his eyes before he had masked it with anger. _

how he'd tried to mask his hurt under the shield of the anger that she was so familiar with...

_"you are happy aren't you? that he is dead???". that was when johnny had died and he had come to convince her to celebrate valentine's day..._

had she really said that? she herself couldn't believe it, so far from truth it was...

_and more recently..._

_" I dont need one more person that i care about, to leave me. So why dont you go find another Sadie to help you through what a bitch i am? Just leave me alone... Go..."_

But she had been so afraid right now... with everything that had happened with Johnny, with Trey, with Sadie , of history repeating itself, of everything that had happened between them, of him not being there when she stretched out her hand...

And all of a sudden she realised.

_**It wasn't something... It was her!**_

_Oh my God... Each time I was the one who pushed him away... _she realised..._and i am about to do it once again..._

"driver... please... could you turn around back? i need to get back to Newport, fast.", she said franctically, all of a sudden knowing exactly what she had to do.

She ran up the steps to his house, practically falling down at a tricky turn. She had to see him, tell him how wrong she was, what a mistake she had made. For the first time in her life she knew exactly what to do. she wasn't confused or sad or lonely. she was just... exceptionally confidant of what she was about to do, and that she'd do anything she could to make this work between them. She just hoped she wasn't too late.She pulled open the door with her spare key, and...

gasped!

There lying right in front of her was Ryan and a blonde girl she had never met...

"Oh my God...", she inaudibly said as tears came into her eyes, before she silently closed the door and left.

So, she never noticed Ryan pulling away from the embrace minutes after she had left, as he rushed out of his house for the airport oblivious to what had happened minutes before...

_**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**_

**_(Did i dissapoint you? or let you down?_**

_**should i be feeling guilty? or let the judges frown?**_

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel impatiently as he waited for the immobile traffic to clear up. Damn Atwood luck, he thought. Just when he knew exactly what he wanted, trust his luck to dissapoint him. He ran a frutrated hand through his hair, staring out the window... 

_**coz i saw the end before we'd begun...**_

_**yes, i saw you were blinded and i knew i had won.)**_

The past few weeks had been more hectic emotionally than he could ever have imagined. Everything had happened so fast and he had been so out of his depth that his old insecurities had come to the forefront. First there had been the very fact that Marissa was alive... His Marissa was alive. that in itself had been a shock!granted an unbelievably pleasant one but a shock nonetheless. Then it had been so surprising to find that marissa had changed so much, had matured so well... that sometimes he felt out of his depth. He had been scared that she wouldn't need him anymore. not the way she had needed him back then.

_**(So i took whats mine by eternal right...**_

_**Took your soul out into the night...**_

Then there had been that stupid misunderstanding with Jason and now there was Amy who had died. It had been just too ... overwhelming! And marissa had acted so cold, that for a split second he had actually thought that they just werent meant to be, that it was best to just let go. Also, there was thier 'past', which however hard he tried would always be in between them. But if he'd learnt anything in the past few minutes in Lisa's 'company' was that he would always... and always love Marissa. That she was the one for him. that however hard it would be in future there was nothing he would want more than her.

He would keep trying till he convinced her of the same thing!

Now if only the airport would come fast enough...

_**and it may be over but it wont stop there**_

_**i am here for you if you'd only care.)**_

He ran up the airport, pushing and pulling and panting, past the throng of people,untill he finally reached the counter...

"excuse me...", he said franctically,"can you please tell me when is the flight to chicago?"

"It should leave in another 15 minutes..."

"uhh... look , this is extremely urgent", he said, "but i have to talk to a miss cooper".

she looked at her computer screen. ""I am sorry sir, the flight to chicago is all boarded and but there isn't a miss cooper listed", she repied confidently.

"No check again..."Ryan said, his heart in his throat...

But there was no Marissa cooper to be found.

_**(you touched my heart, you touched my soul,**_

_**you changed my life and all my goals.**_

_**and love is blind but that i knew when, my heart was blinded by you.**_

Getting out of the airport quickly, he immedietely pulled out his cell. There was only one person who would know where she was at this moment...

"Hey Summer... its me, ryan. Do you, have you seen Marissa?"Ryan asked "its important..."

"Oh so now you care..."Summer fumed

Ryan's brows immedietely furrowed in confusion, not expecting such a cold response. This was distinctly 'un- summerlike'. she would only act this way if she believed that somehow he was responsible for screwing things up with 'her marissa'. But that couldn't be now... could it?

"uh... what? what are you talking about?", he asked apprehensively.

"she knows about you and lisa, assface. She went back and saw you two...", Summer clipped.

"she came back...?",happiness bubbled inside him as he thought of the fact that marissa had loved him enough to come back.

But all of a sudden the meaning of her words crashed.

"Oh my God... it wasn't like that..."

"well, tell that to her, dumbass, if you can find her. I watched both of you behave like total jerks the past few days after amy died, i saw her crying everyday in front me wondering if she was good enough for you... and now this!"

"but summer..."

"Save it. Oh and you know whats the worst part... she thinks that you hooking up with lisa was her own fault. live with that now, if you can...".

Before he could reply Summer had already hung up.

__

_**ive kissed your lips and held your head, shared your dreams and shared your bed,**_

_**i know you well, i know your smell, I've been addicted to you...)**_

Marissa heard his voicemail yet again... "hey... ummm its me, again.", his voice said "listen.. i know you are angry with me, but i swear nothing happened. I mean NOTHING happened. I just... I need to talk to you".she heard his shallow breathing at the other end as he waited for her response for a long while before he dejectedly hung up.

__

(Goodbye my lover...

_**Goodbye my friend...**_

_**You have been the one, you have been the one for me...)**_

Ryan ironically sat in exactly the same position on the couch in his living room as he had been but a few hours back when she had left, brooding. She was gone... and he had no idea where she was... He just wished he knew that she was okay. well, in truth he wished that she was here by his side but he doubted if that would happen. How was it that everything had crashed down so fast? Just a few minutes back he had been on his way to the airport trying to convince her to stay back and lay his heart out in front of her, and now...

He doubted if she would even listen to him. He, Ryan Atwood, had majorly screwed up, he thought, burying his face in his hands. And this time he was sure she wasn't coming back. And the worst of it was, this time she would be entirely right to do so...

_**(I am gonna dream on, but when i wake, u cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take**_

_**but as you move on remember me, remember us and all we used to be)**_

"Ryan..."

"Marissa?", he turned around shocked...

**(_ive seen you smile, ive seen you cry, ive watched you sleeping for a while, I'd be the father of your child, i'd spend a lifetime with you.)_**

For a long time they just stared at each other...

"uhhh, about lisa...", he said after a while, attempting to explain...

In three short steps she closed the distance between them. "I dont care about lisa or about any explanations that you are about to give, because really, there isn't any required."she said softly... "I... uhh... I heard your message and for a long while i didnt know what to do. I roamed around Newport for the past 3 hours, thinking about everything... about us... about what had happened... But in the end i realised that it didnt matter, because there is only one place i'd rather be... and thats with you. here... because all i want is... you!".

_**(I know your fears and you know mine...**_

_**we'd had our doubts but now we're fine**_

_**and i love you, i swear thats true, I cannot live without you...)**_

He crushed her to him, letting all his frustrations of the last few weeks dissolve into her, letting himself go... because for once in his life there were no battles to be fought, there were no questions to be answered, no misunderstandings to be cleared. and for once in his life, he needn't be the strong one, because at this moment, she was strong enough for both of them. and that feeling was indescribable!

"thanx... i..." His lips mindlessly seeked hers, wanting to savour this, savour her.But they stopped, looking at the fiercely determined expression on her face..

"there is a 'but' somewhere in there isn't it?"

She silently aknowledged in reply and he folded his arms around himself motioning for her to continue...

" For the past three hours as i was roaming all over Newport, thinking about everything... about us... i realised that this... us... our relationship just cant go on like this..."

"What? what are you talking about?", he asked shocked, inturrupting her.

she placed her fingertips on his lips, "Shhh... just shut up for a sec and let me finish. I am sorry...", she said firmly, "I am sorry for the way i behaved the past few weeks and if this wouldn't have happened and if i wouldn't have left, i would never have realised it.When Amy died, when that happened, all of a sudden I felt as if I was dealing with johnny's death all over again and i was just so scared of hurting you,of pushing you furthur away and of you not being there when i needed you and everything was such a mess that i just thought that leaving you would be the best choice".

"And...?", he said roughly, his heart in his throat, afraid of what she was going to say next.

"And i hadn't even reached the airport before i realised how wrong i was.", she said softly giving him a shy smile, "It wasn't your fault, what happened, and i was taking all of that out on you, and you didnt deserve that. But we have such a history... and some things between us are so unresolved... and ummm...", she was suddenly at a loss for words, not finding the words to express herself.

"I know", Ryan said shortly completing her sentence, completely understanding what she meant. He had basically come to the same conclusion himself yesterday. It was the reason why he hadn't wanted to stop her in the first place. There past was the single biggest issue they had between them.

Marissa blue eyes widened as she realised that he didnt need any explanations from her because he understood what she was trying to say. so she continued...

"Ryan we need to talk, about everything. about all that has happened", she said strongly, " because though we have forgiven each other, i dont think either one of us have forgotten. I love you and i know that you love me too, but in the past we have both hurt each other, and we need to build the trust that we have lost, we need to heal the wounds that we have inflicted or its just gonna keep coming between us ", she said, "and i cant keep on making up and breaking up with you. This rollercoaster journey that we find ourselves in has to stop, and it wouldn't unless both of us can deal with what happened between us before. And i know you dont like to talk, and i can understand that, but...".

Ryan interrupted her ramblings this time, just like she had done a few minutes ago with him..

"You know what's funny or ironic really...", he said, giving her his classic smile... "I came to the exact same conclusion a few minutes after you left and rushed to the airport to find you... And you are right when you say that i am not much of a talker ... but i agree, we need to talk.."

She leaned into him as his strong arms envoloped her as she whispered, "For the first time i think, like in ever, we are on the same page..."

_**and i still hold your hand in mine, in mine when i am asleep,**_

_**and i will bear my soul in time when i am kneeling at your feet.**_


	15. the healing of forgotten wounds

_(A/n: seriously... a very very long chapter, but i really couldn't make it shorter. this chapter is really important in a way that they talk about everything but mostly about trey. i didnt go into many of the other stuff because a) i didnt want to make it longer and b) in the scheme of things between ryan/marissa it really didnt matter that much.)_

Marissa gently but firmly pulled out of his embrace as she went and sat down on the couch, Ryan following right behind her. She didn't know what this night was going to bring or if they would be okay in the end, but she knew that for once they were doing the right thing. In the past few hours, something indefinable had changed between them as they realized that neither of them was going to give up. The things that they had faced in the past few weeks would have surely broken them up in the past, and yet they were here, now, right?

"Remember the first day I met you, at the end of the driveway?" Ryan questioned, a hint of smile coming into his eyes as he remembered that night so long ago. His first glimpse of her, her beauty on the brink of womanhood, not quite a woman yet but no longer a girl. He'd never forget the way she had looked or the way she had smelled or the way the air had crackled when their eyes had connected. Those first few seconds with her were imprinted on his mind, like forever.

"How could I forget?" she teased as she remembered that sixteen year old boy with his bad boy attitude and a heart of a gold who had stolen her heart just like that at the end of the driveway…," that was the cheesiest pick up line I have ever received… really Ry, you couldn't think of anything more original?"

"Hey don't blame me" he retorted back good naturedly "I got the girl in the end, didn't I?"

And the both laughed, the tension in the room coming down several notches.

"So where do you want to start? How do you want to do this?" Ryan asked awkwardly, a shy smile gracing his face.

"With my mistakes", she replied simply and he looked up startled at the strength with which she had said it. She unwaveringly held his gaze. She was ready, ready for accepting them and asking for his forgiveness and she was no longer afraid of it all... But she had a small favor to ask "Listen, I know it's a debate whether you want to start with my drinking or with Oliver, but could we ease into the drinking part?"

Ryan slowly nodded in reply as he guardedly looked at her. The very mention of Oliver brought a long forgotten rage to course through his veins. He could feel his heart beat under his chest in a sickening thud and he couldn't help the bitter laugh that escaped him. "So we start with the time that you broke my heart into a million pieces as you believed him over me?"

Marissa flinched as if he had slapped her as she saw the naked pain slash across his eyes and it scared her. Even after so many years it was still there and she wasn't sure she could ever make it disappear or he could ever move on. But she had to try…

"It wasn't that I didn't believe in you…"

"Right, so now you start lying?" he drew out sarcastically unable to help himself,the words laced with anger.

"Will you just let me explain?", she attempted, her voice involuntarily rising.

"Oh so now there is an explanation to it all???" he retorted back

"Fine! Have it your way." She angrily huffed throwing up her hands in mock surrender "You've brooded about it for 10 years, 10 more years certainly won't make any difference"

Both of them were looking at each other with anger in their eyes, neither willing to back down and suddenly Ryan started laughing. This was what was missing from his life. Stupid arguments about nothing in particular and the aggression and the love coursing through his veins at one time.

"I am sorry… I am not being a very good sport here am i?" he finally said.

Marissa's voice softened as she replied, "look, I know that I hurt you a lot and maybe there is no way to atone for it all but you've gotto at least gimme a chance…"

Ryan sighed. She was right. It had just taken him by surprise that he still felt so much of anger and pain even after so many years.

"So… you were saying…?", he finally prompted.

It's not that I didn't believe in you, it's just … I didn't know what to believe" she finished looking away from his penetrating gaze. Ryan didn't say it but they both knew what he was thinking. If she didn't know what to believe then the least she could have done was believed her boyfriend over some crazy lunatic that she had met just a few days back.

"he played us both, Ry…" she attempted to explain " played on both my insecurities and your doubts and our relationship was pretty much new at that point and you behaved like a different person in those days, punching Oliver and that letter thing that happened and then Oliver said some things…"

"So now you are blaming me?" Ryan quickly asked and she quelled under the hurt look he was giving her.

"No I am not blaming you…", she finally said, "I am just telling you my side of the story. What I did was wrong, I should never have done that and that day to probably call you wasn't very fair to you either. And if you hadn't come…" her voice trailed off and Ryan detected the very real fear in her eyes.

He quickly joined their hands together …

"Not coming when you asked, didn't even cross my mind. It definitely wasn't an option for me" he said.

"I guess what I am trying to say is" she continued giving him a small smile "that it is always difficult to trust the one person whom you love the most because he is the one who can hurt you the most. And I was just scared. Would you have reacted in a similar fashion if I had been anyone except me?"

No! he wouldn't have behaved in a similar fashion if it had been anyone except her. He had pretty much forgiven the Cohen's for not believing him and he had forgiven Trey, his mother, Teresa for so many things that he couldn't even count on one hand. But with her, everything was just too difficult, too intense.

"No I guess not", he mumbled

She squeezed his hands tightly offering what comfort she could, though it had come ten years too late. "I am so sorry, Ry, you have no idea how sorry I am."

Maybe this talking thing wasn't really all that bad because the tightening in his chest was easing and he could feel himself relax, something that he never could have imagined happening when Oliver's name was brought into the picture. It was just, how could he explain to her how scared he had felt when he had seen her and Oliver together or how many breaths he had missed when he had seen Oliver with a gun standing over her.

"Me too" he finally said, looking at her and giving her a small smile " I am sorry too, for breaking up with you after that and the whole thing with Teresa…"

Marissa looked down immediately as soon as Teresa's name was mentioned. What Oliver was to Ryan, Teresa was to her. Well, maybe a slightly less crazy version but still… she never felt as insecure as she did with Teresa, Ryan's lifelong best friend. And the worst of it was, she had no one to blame except her. It wasn't like Ryan had cheated on her.

"I got that you felt that you didn't have a choice and I didn't blame you for that" she said guardedly before averting her gaze. Although they were here to talk about everything she didn't feel as if she was justified in being angry about something that had happened when they were broken up through her own fault. But hell, when were emotions ever justified?

Ryan looked at her incredulously. How could she not blame him? If he wouldn't have stupidly slept with Teresa none of the other stuff would have probably happened and they could have been together that summer.

"if I was in your position I would probably have done the same thing." she continued, justifying his actions for him. this was so typically 'marissa' "Actually I kind of did, I slept with Luke minutes after I saw you with that… that slut… girl or woman or whatever. My ex step dads ex girlfriend."

She said the last few words with such a disgusted face that Ryan had to laugh…

"Slut???" he teased. "Marissa… you are jealous about something that didn't happen so long ago?"

"No of course I am not" she immediately said, then spoiled the entire effect by making a disgusted face before adding "but she's still a slut, making out with my boyfriend. If she ever comes near you again, I will personally see to it that she doesn't have her boobs with her any more…"

"Marissa…"

"Sorry, got carried away in the moment…" she added sheepishly and Ryan laughed.

"Sometimes you are just too cute, you know that?" he asked, drawing her in for a soft kiss and she smiled into his mouth. Ryan had realized during her tirade that probably she was projecting her feelings of Teresa on Gabriele because she didn't think that she was justified in thinking like that about Teresa. That was just like Marissa to do so, and he knew her well enough to know that.

"I really hurt you by being with Teresa, didn't I? "He softly asked and Marissa sighed. She knew Ryan could read her like a book, but sometimes it was just scary how well he knew her.

"Yes, you did" she finally replied honestly. "It wasn't you being with her that hurt me, it was more the fact that you could move on so quickly from what we had. It seemed as though it wasn't that much worth it to you".

"It was… it was worth more to me than I could ever tell you…"

She couldn't help the bitter laugh that escaped her "Well, you showed it to me brilliantly by being with Teresa, Lindsay, and Sadie minutes after we were broken up"

Then immediately realized that she had done exactly what she had vowed she wouldn't and sheepishly sighed. "Sorry... I didn't mean, I mean…"

"I understand why you were hurt, Riss", he said softly, cutting her off "but believe me when I say that I have always loved you more than anything in this world"

"But then why?" she asked, her hands involuntarily balling up as she curled herself into the smallest ball she could ...

"Look, you know how I grew up. You know what my mother was like." He said in a dejected voice "When I was little and believed in Santa, sometimes I wished that my mom would love me just like other mommies do, and then she'd come home drunk and hit me or worse she'd come home with a guy and he'd abuse her or assault her and I'd just be looking helplessly at her. It made me grow up, fast and I'd stopped believing in love. Let's just say that I had understood long ago that it was better to protect oneself than to open oneself enough to get hurt."

Marissa felt tears prick in the back of her eyes as she thought of the small impressionable boy devoid of his youth because he couldn't get the love of his mother like he wanted.

"when the thing with Oliver happened", he continued not realizing that Marissa 's position had shifted on the couch and now she was no longer curled up in a ball protecting herself but she was curled up around him, protecting him. "I just assumed that you would leave me too and well I was trying to protect myself from further pain. So I, kind of, ran to Teresa. It was the same with Lindsay; I guess I was just too scared".

"And Sadie?" she prompted…

He turned to look at her this time and she flinched under his gaze. There was just so much emotion there... "You know why Sadie happened", he said softly, "you were in love with Johnny"

She dropped her hands from around him, shocked. She had thought Ryan had just become too tired of dealing with her problems and he didn't want anything to do with her. She hadn't ever thought that it had been because he believed her to be in love with someone else.

"I was not" she said vehemently denying it.

"Marissa…"

"I chose you, Ryan. You, not him. You…" she repeated again and again.

"That still didn't change the fact that you were in love with him", he retorted back, those months of the whole Johnny saga coming back to haunt him like it was yesterday, "You have any idea how I felt when you behaved like he was more important to you that I was? Do you have any idea what I went through knowing that I had to let you go, and yet unable to do so? Do you have any idea how it made me feel when you accused me so coldly of being happy that he had died?".

"Ryan…"

"No Marissa, you listen to me. It's always about you and your feelings and your needs. Just because I don't show them, doesn't mean that I don't have feelings".

"I know that Ryan. I wouldn't be here if I didn't know that". She said simply for once shutting him up. "Look, I won't deny that I was attached to him. Because he was the one person in my life who was willing to talk to me about the single most traumatic event of my life and not pretend that it didn't happen." She added cruelly.

"Marissa…"

"No, you listen to me now, Ryan. I practically spent the entire summer that year wondering if trey was ever going to be okay, or wondering what was going to happen to us or wondering if you were alright or what was going through your mind. And you basically shut me out. Even after the whole thing blew over, I pleaded with you to listen to the nightmares that I was having but you practically pushed me away. What was I supposed to do? Beg you to maybe give some of your very precious time to me?"

Ryan averted his gaze from her, every word she said like a shard of glass, pricking him where it hurt the most. What was he supposed to say? How was he supposed to reassure her when what she had faced was because of his own brother? How was he supposed to tell her that even though his brother was the biggest jackass that was ever created he couldn't deny that he would always have feelings for him? He was his brother after all and he couldn't fix it…

"All I ever wanted was for you to talk to me, because all I ever wanted was for you to tell me that you were right here…" she cried, tears streaming down her face, unable to stop them. "But all you ever did was leave…"

When he continued looking away, she hastily brushed her tears back angrily looking at him.

"You still want to deny the whole thing, don't you?" she bitterly asked. Her whole body itched for him to take her in his arms and say that everything was going to be alright and she waited, but when he didn't, she got up to leave…

His hands found hers, holding it tight and that was the first thing that she noticed. Their hands intertwined together... perfect joined!

She stopped in her tracks.

"What happened that night, Riss? The night I went to Miami?" he said it so softly she was barely able to hear, but the words were there and she looked down at their joined hands.

"You really want to know?" she asked.

He nodded in reply, still looking down. But he pulled her towards him before wrapping his arms around her giving her what little comfort he could. And that's what she had wanted, all those nights ago. Even now thinking about it made her shudder…

"That night… me and trey…" she started." we'd decided to celebrate, you know he had got a job and we were sitting in his apartment and suddenly it became unbearably congested in there. I started getting vibes from him and I thought it would be better if we went outside, you know clear the head".

Her voice held as little emotion as possible, as if she was narrating to him someone's else's story and her face held a far away look. Ryan thought that probably at this moment she wasn't even aware that he was in the same room and his arms involuntarily tightened around her as he realized that it was the only way she could deal…

"Trey told me he wanted to get his jacket and I didn't think any of it, but that must have been when he must have taken that coke and then he started behaving differently and I got scared. But then he kept coming on to me. And then he… he… he…"

She was shivering so hard… Ryan pulled her towards him and buried his neck in her… that guilt he felt compounded a million times more.

"He tried to kiss me then", she continued, still in a world of her own. "I told him to stop but he wouldn't listen. I told him that I was with you but that just made him laugh. He said that I was being a bitch, that I had been coming onto him since day one and that now that the time had come to act I was chickening out. He then asked if he didn't measure up to you and I guess I was just angry enough to say that he never could. So then he pushed me down… (Images collided in her brain all forming a myriad collage. Trey was upon her, trey was pushing her, oh God this couldn't be happening) finally I caught hold of a branch and hit him instead and then I ran…" Tears were escaping freely now, as she once again relieved something that she had relegated to the darkest corner of her mind.

He gently wiped her tears and crushed her to him, trying to comfort her, trying to comfort himself. How could he have doubted her after that? How could he have accused her of being with Trey? Self- loathing clouded his mind as he thought of the way he had been so cold to her after that.

"Oh God Riss, how could I doubt you after all that you had been through?"

"You had no way of knowing Ry; I didn't exactly tell you what had happened". It was she who was comforting him this time and Ryan was amazed that she was even willing to do so. For a girl who was considered self absorbed, she wasn't doing a very good job of living up to that name.

"Why didn't you tell me what had happened?" he asked.

"Are you kidding me?" she said looking at him "can you imagine what that would have done to your relationship with him?"

"And also that I would have done exactly what I did if I'd found out" Ryan completed self- deprecatingly. What he had done that night had changed the entire course of their lives.

"Well, that too, but mostly I couldn't come between you guys again. I just couldn't hurt you like that again. But eventually I did" she mumbled the last sentence extremely softly looking down and Ryan wondered how long these seeds of self loathing were hibernating in her.

"You saved my life, Riss…" he said softly yet strongly trying to get through to her.

"I shot your brother, Ry…" she countered, still looking down "no matter the reason; I am responsible for you not having your brother today. As usual, the little princess of Newport has spoiled your life…"

"Don't think that! Don't ever think that!" he vehemently denied, forcibly making her look at him "if anyone was responsible, it was me. I brought him into our lives, I forced you to spend time with him, I acted the way I did. If I hadn't… you would never have been kicked out of Newport, none of the other stuff would have happened".

His hands were trembling as he said that ,So much of pent up emotion, so much of guilt. It had, had no place of release until now… and so once he had started he couldn't stop.

"I am sorry…" Ryan's voice trailed off. He didn't know what else to say, he had never been good with words. Marissa looked at him, looked at the guilt that was clearly written on his face. He had been blaming himself for this all along and that was the reason why he couldn't talk to her. Gently she brought her hands to rest on his cheek.

"Ryan, you are nothing like him…." She whispered, connecting their gazes and he found the solace that he was looking for in her eyes. "If anyone was to blame it was trey…"

"Yeah…" he finally said , "you know, I didn't tell you at the time… but, thank you… thank you for saving my life and… and everything…"

"No, thank you…" she whispered connecting their lips slowly "thank you for believing in me and loving me and being there even after everything that had happened…"

It was the gentlest kiss that either of them had shared in a long time. It spoke of forgiveness and love and a promise of the future that was to come. And neither wanted to break away from it just as yet, so they each held on to the other like a drowning person to the raft…

"About Johnny…" she continued.

"it doesn't matter anymore…" Ryan interrupted her kissing her again " none of it really did. It was just us being stupid and stubborn. What matters is that I love you…"

It was the first time that Ryan had said those words to her without her initiating them and Marissa couldn't help the smile that came onto her face. Even though he had said that many times before, it still felt as if it was the first time.

"I love you too" she softly replied connecting their gazes and somehow he thought that they just fit… like they were supposed to be. His lips mindlessly seeked hers, as his hands went to cup her face and she surrendered to him with whole of her heart and her soul. Somehow the barriers between them that had stayed through all these years had disappeared and it was as if everything between them was new…

This time, their lovemaking had a kind of desperation to it. It was a form of release… release from all the lies, the deceit, the guilt, the blame, the bonds, the broken trust, and the broken hearts. They made love right there, under the stars, in the early morning, first with their bodies, then with their hearts and finally with their souls and they could safely say that nothing had ever surpassed it before and nothing ever could.

After all they had been through, they had found freedom, in each other's eyes, and they were free at last… free to finally love… free to forgive one another and finally… free to live. and they knew that no longer would their hallelulah be a cold and broken one, because they had finally survived and they had finally, completely healed!

Long after they were lying in each other's arms, and thier breathing had returned to normal, neither could get any sleep, because somehow theye were still a little amazed with all that had happened, all that they had talked.

"marissa..."

"hmmm..." marissa softly replied, her eyes still closed.

Turning towards her face that was lying so contentedly in the crook of his arms, he gently brushed aside a few of her hair...

"What made you turn back? the second time around?"

Marissa turned her face to look at his deep blue eyes and traced his soft lips with her fingertips.

"you know its gonna sound a bit cheesy, to you... but i was sitting on the old lifeguard stand thinking about everything, you know and basically drowning in self pity and all of a sudden i realised something..."

"what?" he asked softly.

"Tutto a ta mi guida..."

"what?"

"Everything leads me to you... and if i run away right now, something is just gonna happen to lead me back to you. coz i belong with you."

His arms tightened around her as he turned thier positions so that he was lying on top of her now...

"It doesn't sound cheesy at all, you know why?" he slowly asked taking her lips in his tenderly...

"why?" she said in between kisses...

_"Because everything leads me to you, too"_

_(a/n: thanx a lot for reading all you guys and if you've read this please dont forget to click on the little blue box on the left hand side of the table and leave your review. because, seriously, i get around 1000 people who read this fis anf only 2 or 3 who actually review and like Seth would say... that's just sad... on so many levels! lol!)_


	16. the surprise engagement?

(A/n: This is just me poking some goodnatured fun at Taylor... Hmmm well the newest couple they call Taylor/Ryan. Sorry all Taryan fans(_wink .wink). thanx for the last reviews. really appreciated. enjoy and dont forget to review if you've read and liked it!)_

" _so you really think Taylor's hot?_"

Ryan looked over to where Marissa was standing by the kitchen counter trying ot act all casual and he quickly hid his smirk under the newspaper he was reading. This was the third time since morning that Marissa had asked him this question and frankly speaking he was finding Marissa's jealousy on his behalf... Hot!

Last night as they were fooling around, she had asked him about the time when he had thought that she was dead and somehow Taylor's name had come up. Ryan had been so focused at that time in kissing the delicate spot on her neck that he hadn't really thought anything when he'd replied casually that even though Taylor was hot, he had been too in love with her to think about actually giving it a go.Ofcourse, Marissa being Marissa, she had only focused on the parts 'Taylor' and 'hot'. For once the tables were turned and it was Marissa who was jealous and Ryan intended on taking full advantage of it!

"hmmm... these pancakes are really good... i didnt know you could cook anything except mac 'n' cheese" he purposely replied as nonchalantly as possible completely ignoring her earlier question "you know Taylor always said that a way to a man's heart is through his palate. Boy, could she cook!" he added, twisting the knife deeper.

_game.set.match. he thought,_as he took in Marissa's thunderous expression out of the corner of his eyes. He had to bite down on his tongue to keep from laughing out loud. Boy! but she looked hot when she was angry!

Marissa looked at him incredulously! Had she just heard him say Taylor was hot? as in Taylor Townsend? Jealousy coursed through her veins and anger took hold of her mind. She would have dropped the pan on his head right about now had she not caught his blonde shaggy head laughing at her from underneath the newspaper. The little rascal was trying to make her jealous _as in really trying to make her jealous!_ Well, two could play the same game!

"Ryan???" she said as sweetly as possibly...

"Hmmm...?" he replied giving her his most innocent expression...

_Dog! he should have_ _gone into acting,_ _she thought, inwardly fuming... _but outwardly she appeared completely innocent.

"Could you come over here, please???"

Curious to know why Marissa suddenly had a reversal of attitude and was behaving sweetly when earlier she had been looking daggers, Ryan went over to stand next to her.

"What's up?" he asked. No sooner were the words out of his mouth that Marissa dumped the entire contents of the warm syrup on him!

"What the... Fck!"

Before he knew what was happening, Marissa had pushed him against the counter and straddled him. The feel of warm syrup on his body followed be marissa's cool tongue lapping it up...

"Riss..." he gasped, all his senses on overload. All he could taste, smell, touch, feel was her... and the warm buttery syrup.

"Ah!" he moaned feeling her lightly sucking on his neck while her hands gently massaged on his lower abdomen. Somehow the feelings were much more intensified, the syrup acting as a lubricant and Ryan could barely catch his breath.

"Still think Taylor's hot?" she hissed in his ears as she slowly moved down, lapping up the syrup with slow rolling motion of her toungue untill she reached his lower abdomen. She paused for a moment, torturing him.

"ummm...", he couldn't think, couldn't breathe much less process what she was saying as Marissa's hands dipped inside his boxers. In one swift motion he turmed her around and slammed her against the counter, his hands making a mad dash to free her of her clothing as he practically tore them apart...

"Still think Taylor's hot?"she muttered giving him a sly seductive grin and it was all he could do to keep from slamming into her right there...

He looked at her naked form lying on the cool marble counter as she poured syrup down her body. he gasped as he proceeded to tongue her, heeding her silent invitation.Never had she been as promiscous or looked as beautiful. "Only in the way that it generates such amourous feelings in my much, much, much hotter girlfriend!"

"Good answer!" she smirked, drawing his mouth upwards for a soul shattering kiss! She turned them around and straddled him, entering him in one swift motion as they danced the all two familiar dance.

"you know, we should have pancakes everyday for the rest of our lives!" he could barely mutter before he came in thick, long squirts as she reached her pinnacle right about the same time and screamt "Ryan!"

It was much, much, much later as they were both slumped down on the floor in each other's arms, both sore yet completely satiated, that she realised what he had said...

He had said... '_for the rest of our lives!_'

Marissa Cooper smiled...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was Summer who first noticed it!

The four friends were sitting down in thier usual booth down at the diner laughing and chatting when all of a sudden Summer gasped.

"Chino, Is that Maple syrup on your neck???"

Both Ryan and Marissa quickly exchanged looks, both blushing profusely.

"Ummm... yeah". Ryan drew out, his cheeks already red as tomatoes.

Summer looked suspiciously at both of them. "Well, then how did it get there? I mean none of us are having anything even remotely related to pancakes"

She looked from one to the other, at thier embarrased, shy expressions when suddenly it dawned on her.

"Oh. My. God. No _freaking _way! Really? with maple syrup? Coop! I want all the details!"

Seth, who till that time hadn't been paying any attention, being completely engrossed in ummm.. food! immedietely perked up.

"Whhhhaaaat details?"

Summer ignored him, forcefully pulling marissa out of the booth. " Coop! we've gotto pee... Now"

Marissa sent Ryan a very helpless look over her shoulders, a sort of _'please get me out of this _look'and Ryan couldn't help laughing at how cute she looked!

"Summer..? Summer...? What details? Huh? Huh? Right, ignore me. I am just here for the comic relief. right?" Watching Summer walk out of the booth without a backwards glance Seth immedietely turned on Ryan...

"Mi amigo, this is me here, your brother, your friend. I feel like we dont talk anymore... so whats up?" Seth asked wanting to cajole him into revealing. To his surprise Ryan actually answered.

"well, now that you ask, there is actually something that you could help me with. You know the first time when you asked Summer to... you know, uh, marry you?"." Ryan asked hesitantly.

"yeah well, she didn't ignore me then!" Seth huffed and Ryan rolled his eyes.

"she didn't?" Ryan asked.

"No! she hit me instead!" Seth muttered, shuddering at the memory.

Ryan looked down dejectedly at his plate. Just thinking about such a response from Marissa gave him the creeps. "So then i shouldn't ask her?"

Seth frowned... "Well, not unless you want to get beaten up man. In my vast experience Summer doesn't like the word 'marry'... unless it's on the show 'valley'!"

"Seth!" Ryan screamt completely exasperated..." I meant Marissa!!!"

"Oh right, ofcourse, you meant marissa! you're thinking of asking Marissa Cooper to marry you?" Seth asked shocked!

"well, ummm, yeah" Ryan mumbled looking down. " I mean, ever since i have known her i have loved her and this is exactly what i have always wanted and well, for once our lives aren't too complicated and, ummm, yeah!" Ryan finished then looked at him, blushing profusely!

When Seth didn't reply anything, for once at a loss for words, Ryan sighed, "you think its a bad idea, dont you. You think she's gonna say no."

"heck no, man! I love it!" Seth said, jumping over the booth and giving Ryan a rib breaking hug. "Its just, i was too happy over there.The fab four are the back! I am just surprised its taken you guys this long!"

Ryan laughed. "Thanx man. I just dont know what to do? how to say? ya know?? I want it to be special!"

"well you could always tattoo 'marry me!' on your back or you know write her name on the boat or something!"

"Seth!"

"Sorry, got carried away with the things!"Seth muttered sheepishly "but seriously man, Go with the flow. She is Marissa Cooper! Anything you do, she'l love it!"

Ryan pondered, deep in thought. And suddenly it clicked. He knew exactly what he should do! He knew the perfect way!

"Ive found it!" Ryan gasped triumphantly,"Seth, could you just take Marissa back to your place and tell her i'll meet her in an hour? and umm... tell Marissa to umm...wear something nice?"

"Well sure! Whats the plan?" Seth asked excitatedly.

Ryan got up from the booth, not really replying, as he made a mad dash towards the door. "No time to fill in... just cover for me, will ya?"

"right, well, dont tell me.. I get it, i am just here for the comic relief!." Seth grumbled for the second time that night, watching his friend's retreating back.

Ryan turned back... "Oh and Seth, I love you like a brother, brother. But If you ever... as in ever again, hug me in public, I'll kill you!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ryan watched Zoe and Marissa lying on Zoe's bed, both sound asleep, and he felt a feeling in his chest that he had never felt before.He wanted to watch her sleeping just like this next to the child that they had lovingly created, he realised with a lump in his throat. He wanted to spend the rest of his life doing nothing more than watching her sleep, like this. God, how he loved her!

Silently tiptoeing so as not to startle her, he snuggled next to her, taking her in his arms.

"Riss...", he whispered softly trying to shake her awake as gently as possible.

She opened her gorgeous blue eyes, for a moment confused, before her body recognised his familiar arms and her eyes focused on his bright blue ones. An indefinable expression, lingered in them, a mixture of love and trust and something more... and she felt her heart clench. "Hey..." she whispered, "Where did you go off to?"

"Common, i need to show you something...", he said in her ear, before pulling out a scarf and tying it lightly around her eyes. "But no peeking!, okay?" he gently chided, before picking her up and carrying her to his car.

"Ry... Where are we going???" Marissa pouted some time later, still unable to see anything. She was bored and she didn't understand why she had to be blindfolded when Ryan got to have all the fun.

Ryan correctly interpreted her expression and laughed. "Riss, have patience! we are almost there!"

"But Ry... i want to see..." she whined, for all intents and purposes looking like a small girl denied of candy.

"Okay, we are there!". Ryan turned off the ignition and stepped out the door towards her side and picked her up in his arms, closing her door with a kick of his legs. Walking a few short steps, she could hear him open a door before climbing some stairs.

"Ry... where are we?", she asked apprehensively. Even though her eyes were closed, something about this place felt familiar.

"Shhh..." Ryan whispered. "Okay, now i am going to put you down but you have to promise me that u'll open the scarf only when i ask you to"

"whats happening?"

"do you trust me?"

"yeah..."

"Then will you please do as i say?"

"Yeah..."

Ryan gently deposited her down before walking a few steps away from her. His breathing had already become shallow, as he wondered how she'd react.

"Okay. Now open!" he said letting out a lot long drawn out breath that he hadn't even realised that he was holding!

Marissa slowly opened her scarf, her eyes taking a moment to adjust to the bright light and then she gasped!

"Oh My God!"

Tears pricked her eyes as she realised where she was. A thousand candles lit the room. She was standing exactly in the same place where she'd stood ten years earlier when she had asked him if she could spend the night coz she hadn't believed that this was it for them, Ryan was standing exactly where he had been standing ten years ago when he had said that they were from two different worlds and had turned her down. Silent tears ran down her cheeks. It was too nostalgic. It was thier Model home... Her eyes clashed with his...

"You and me... we are from two different worlds..." Ryan began... "and this may not work, and i may not be perfect for you, but i love you. I always have... even that night when i told you to go... even that night when you were leaving...and even today and i always will... So ummm..." he took a deep breath, "will you marry me?"

Marissa just stood there, crying, and Ryan immedietely envoloped her in three quick strides. "hey... hey.. its okay. we dont have to do this if its too soon or if you aren't ready or..."

With one long finger she shut him up as she unvaweringly stared into his eyes.

"That day when i came, i was walking away from the world i had known into a different world and i was scared. And when you turned me away, it was like all my doubts had resurfaced. But even then, there was one thing that i never doubted. That i belong with you. I love you and i'd like nothing more than to be Marissa Atwood"

Ryan never realised that it was possible for a grown man to cry, but at that moment he could have sworn that tears pricked the back of his eyes as he crushed her to him...

"I love you, you know! soooo much!"

"I love you too!"

(A/N: Awww... being a huge R/M fan i wish this was what had happened on the show. I dont care which way they'd show it. R/M deserved a happy ending. Well, if not on the Tivo atleast on the fic...)


	17. meet the inlaws!

_**(A/N: this chapter is really important, you'll see in what way. it starts out fun but progresses to something really serious.I am a little scared that the dialogues are going to be out of line. i pondered and thought and finally came up with this. Its not the way i wanted it to be, but whichever way i thought i came up with only this. review and tell me what you think. oh well, atleast the initial part is fun... enjoy. oh and thanx for the earlier reviews...)**_

_Ever wondered how the moment you got engaged, the amount of alone time you had with your fiance actually reduced, instead of increasing???_

Ryan was frustrated and exasperated and horny as hell! His apparent 'Newpsie friends' (he had had no idea he had that many) insisted on barging in at the most inopportune of times, giving endless suggestions about things that really weren't there concern, and really did not consider that maybe, just maybe they had interrupted something that would have definitely had shocked them out of thier pants had they seen it. And that wasn't even the worst of it! Summer bull-dozed herself over every night so they could properly plan about exactly how the wedding should be and when Ryan had grumbled about it, she plainly ordered him, ordered 'him'- Ryan Atwood- the fiancé to control his raging hormones for just some time and not act like a desperate teenager! Really, I mean that had to be completely out of line, right? Well, maybe he had spoken too soon, because now that he had asked Seth to be his Best-man, Seth just refused to leave him alone for even a second. He was there when Ryan turned a corner, there when he went to his office, there when he was just about to kiss marissa (Seth had actually muttered 'way to go man' from his hiding position behind the bushes. talk about buzzkill)and was even there when he had to pee… which was where Ryan drew the line. Self proclaiming himself as the best ' Best-man ever' he kept following him everywhere he went, spouting words like 'hookers' and 'belly dancers' hoping to interest Ryan in _**"the best- bachelor's party ever" **_when all Ryan could think of was a very naked Marissa waiting for him. Thus, it was that Ryan who was seriously starved for Marissa, not having made love to his fiancé in over two days, immediately pushed her against the wall of their bedroom the moment their annoying and not so understanding friends left!

"Uhh Ryan? Ryan?" Marissa giggled as Ryan pushed her on the bed before climbing on top of her, "What are you doing?"

Ryan, who at that moment was pressed against Marissa's boobs, grinned, "Ending both our miseries!"

Marissa shook her head, laughing silently at his antics but the laughter immediately died from her face and she sucked in a breath as Ryan pressed his lips to her nipples giving it a particularly hard tug.

"Ouch"

"Sorry", Ryan said sheepishly, becoming extra gentle as he kissed that part of reddened skin on Marissa's breasts slowly, tantalizingly, seductively, erotically and when Marissa was completely gasping for breath finally removed the bra.

"Ryan! You look a little wound up…You need to relax" Marissa said huskily, her breath coming in short gasps. The feelings Ryan was generating in her were mind blowing and she felt her entire body shiver.

"Ya think?" Ryan smirked pulling away her jeans hastily before his boxers followed. "This is the first opportunity I have got in over two days and I don't intend to waste a single moment of it!"

Making the words prophetic, Ryan immediately blended their tongues together over and over again until her lips were sore and his ears were filled with her seductive moans… or were they his?

"Hmmm…" he said moving towards her neck and gently biting it before focusing his attention towards her breasts.

Marissa groaned. Pushing Ryan until she was on top, she wound Ryan's hands against the bedside, locking them. "I think… I need to teach you a little patience" she teased as she kissed his nipples, flicking them with her tongue and moving downwards and reaching...

Ryan eyes shuttered and his breath came in short gasps so intense was the pleasure… Marissa lightly flicked her tongue and a shiver of desire passed through his entire body. It had been days… really days since he had felt this way and He wanted her NOW! At that moment, Marissa brought her lips to his and melded their palates hungrily eliciting a deep groan from inside his body…

Unable to take the torture any longer he flipped their positions and was just about to enter her when…

DING DONG!

The doorbell rang…

Ryan tensed. "You've got to be kidding me…"

Marissa gently bit on his earlobe causing a shudder of desire to course through his body. "Maybe whoever it is will go away…" she whispered huskily.

"Yeah… its probably just Seth asking about the bachelor party, any ways." he blended their tongues together, hungrily kissing her, intending to take off exactly where they had left off…

The doorbell rang.

DING DONG!

"That's it!" Ryan muttered as he reluctantly got out of the bed and hastily pulled on his boxers "I am going to kill Seth!"

Marissa giggled seeing Ryan's angry, disgruntled face, "Ry…? Uhhh… Ryan?"

"What!"

"Maybe you should wait a little while, you know… allow the tent effect in your boxers to go down…" she teased, dropping her eyes down to his shorts…

Watching Marissa sprawled on the bed naked eyeing him seductively wasn't lessening the 'condition' one little bit.

"No! What I need to do is beat him to a pulp and scar him for life!" Ryan retorted before walking out the bedroom door.

Ryan walked down the stairs towards their doorway intending to seriously do bodily damage to Seth, the bulge in his boxers already making it awkward for him to walk at a normal pace. Disturbing a couple at 11.00 in the night was a crime that people should go to jail for... He was pretty sure that there was a rule somewhere that stated that too. And he planned on drilling it into Seth's brain until he firmly got the message!

Ding Dong!

For the third time the bell rang… "What the hell is wrong with Seth?" Ryan muttered as he walked towards his doorway and pulled it open intending to lash out immediately. What he saw froze the retort on his lips…

Blinking several times to rapidly clear the vision in front of him, he was sure his eyes were playing tricks. When that didn't help and the person standing in front of him didn't disappear, he gulped several times before moistening his lips which suddenly seemed to be dry…

Brushing past him as he stood dumbfounded in his own doorway, Julie Cooper- Nichol-almost Cooper-Roberts whirled around to face him in all her wrath…

"Where is she?" she said haughtily, before her gaze dropped lower towards his flimsy, thin boxers…

Ryan looked down to see exactly what she could see and was horrified. His erection was pointed directly at her through his boxers…

Holy Awkward!

"Uhh… she's upstairs", he mumbled, trying to shift his position into a more, ummm, decent one?

"Obviously!" Julie stated, a sly grin apparent on her face as her eyes followed exactly what he was so desperately trying to hide "I can clearly see that!"

Ryan was pretty sure that somewhere it stated that meeting your mother-in-law, especially if your mother-in-law happened to be Julie Cooper- nichol-coper-roberts, with your arousal pointing directly towards her, just minutes before you were about to hump her daughter was "the worst social faux-pas ever…" and if that wasn't enough…

"Hey, what's taking you this long? I am beginning to cool down…" Marissa cooed, completely unaware of the situation, as she sashayed down the staircase in nothing but his shirt which barely covered her essential parts…

"Mom?" she gasped.

Holy Awkward!

For a moment all three of them could do was stare at each other. Ryan was the first to react. Immediately pulling Marissa in front of him, in the hopes that it shielded his arousal, he turned to face Julie.

"Don't bother, Ryan". Julie drawled. "I already saw IT and I must say… it is impressive…"

"MOM!" Marissa gasped.

Ryan blushed.

Julie ignored.

Walking into their house, she dropped her luggage haphazardly before surveying the room. " Not bad Ryan… I must say you've done well for yourself. Although the house isn't as big as I had hoped. By the way, I am going to be living here a couple of days so, make the guest bedroom for me will you?"

Ryan blinked several times trying to clear his foggy brain. He was getting a headache.

"Oh and Ryan… while you are at it, will you keep my luggage in there too?"

Ryan finally found his voice. "Anything else, maam…?" he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Oh, just one more thing…" she smiled sweetly at him "My daughter will be sleeping with me today. We are supposed to plan the perfect shower… So, 'Son-in-law', you will have to do something else to lessen your… ummm… condition?"

Ryan glared pointedly at her before turning towards Marissa who was smiling apologetically at him. Moving towards her, he determinedly pulled her in his arms purposely giving her a full kiss on the mouth not caring that Julie was just a few steps away, before doing exactly what his 'mother-in-law' asked. He could hear Julie's peels of laughter following him as he climbed the stairs.

Why, oh, Why had that 'son-in-law' sounded so much like a threat?

And just what had he done that God had to punish him by making Julie Cooper his mother-in-law???

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The couples- shower was in full swing!

Ignoring Julie's various protests, both Ryan and Marissa had agreed that they wanted a very casual, homely, shower with just a few of their close friends invited, rather than one of those flashy, Newport ones. Actually, ever since Marissa had been to Teresa and Eddie's engagement party, she had loved how 'real' it had felt and it was her decision to emulate it almost teeth to teeth. Well in this case, balloon to balloon. And thus it was that their poolside was completely filled with flowers and balloons with a barbecue going on nearby and children playing and laughing as adults wore jeans or simple dresses as they congratulated the newly engaged couple. There was nothing flashy about it, everything was extremely well done and to Seth's immense satisfaction there was no 'crab and brie phyllo' or 'mushroom leak crescents' Everyone loved it immensely. Even Julie Cooper was impressed.

After exchanging pleasantries for almost the entire night, both Ryan and Marissa were exhausted. Leaning against each other as their hands were softly entertwined, they looked at each other and smiled bringing their lips and exchanging a gentle kiss. It wasnt passionate, it wasnt even lust filled, it was extremely simple and it spoke of the promise, the love and the deep commitment they both felt towards each other. Everything today had gone on perfectly. Sighing softly, Marissa surveyed the almost ending shower…

"You know what I am wishing for…" she said wistfully, a smile playing on her lips " I am wishing Sandy and Kirsten could have come…"

Ryan's body stiffened against her's and he did not reply.

Concerned, Marissa turned to face him fully, her eyes searching his… "You aren't yet thinking about what happened 6 years earlier, are you?"

Ryan shrugged, but his eyes held a different glow. Knowing Ryan as well as she did, she understood his unspoken words.

"Common Ry…" she whispered softly. "Sandy had to do it. I practically bulldozed him into it. It wasn't his fault…"

"He lied to me Marissa", Ryan clipped, "for 6 years… I don't know if I can forget that."

"Ryan…"

At that moment, the doorbell rang and Sandy and Kirsten walked in. Grinning excitedly, exhausted yet happy from their trip to the Greek islands, they searched the crowds for their kids. They spotted Ryan's shaggy blonde head first…

"Okay, so is that the new trend? Parents are too old to be invited to parties?" Sandy asked mischievously, his eyes laughing as they crinkled in the corners. Kirsten smiled. But both their expressions froze as they saw who it was that was standing beside Ryan…

"Marissa!" the word fell out of Sandy's mouth before he could stop it.

Ryan slowly turned around, his eyes clashing with Sandy's. No one spoke for a few moments as the entire atmosphere in the room froze. Sandy could see the blame and the betrayal in Ryan's eyes and he rapidly moved towards him attempting to explain.

Ryan turned around and left!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was Marissa who spotted him first. Sitting alone at a table with his head in his hands, he looked dejected and lost.

"I am sorry Sandy…" she said awkwardly making her way towards him. "I never should have involved you and it's all my fault…"

Sandy looked up to meet her beautiful, sad eyes and sighed. "No. No. I never should have lied to him"

Marissa pulled out a chair and sat down beside him. She had never seen Sandy like this. Sandy was supposed to be the rock of the house. "He didn't mean anything by it" she said as she patted his arms comfortingly "He loves you, you know…"

"But after all that has happened, for me to actually lie to him… I don't know if he can ever forgive me." Sandy stated dejectedly "I don't know if I would ever forgive me…"

Marisa cocked her head to one side, looking sandy over. She didn't think he realized exactly what kind of good effect he had always had on all of their lives. He was like the father that she had wanted for herself. He had no idea how much his presence had meant to Ryan or what he was to Ryan.

"I don't know if you know this but Ryan has always idolized you. You have always been perfect for him. I don't think Ryan is really angry with you. I think he is just scared that the person that he trusted the most kept such a huge thing from him for so long… but deep down I think he knows that you did what had to be done."

Sandy stared at Marissa taking in what she had said. It felt good to think that he was a kind of role model for Ryan when he was growing up, but now, everything felt up in the air… "And now he thinks I have broken his trust. I don't know how to convince him of the truth".

"You know…" Marissa said slowly, a soft smile playing on her lips… "A very wise man once told me; while I was sitting here, in the very same chair, that the trick to convincing Ryan is to let him know that you will never give up on him".

Understanding dawned on Sandy and he looked up to meet Marissa's eyes gratefully… "Ah, the pupil becomes the master…"

"No, the pupil is just reminding the master!"

Sandy smiled. "Where is he? I think I need to see him"

"Where else would he be?" Marissa smiled back "He is at the end of the driveway, smoking a cigarette, just like the day when you first brought him home…"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ryan took a deep drag from the cigarette, the smoke calming him down as it burned its way towards his lungs. It had been months since he had smoked. As a rule, he wasn't a compulsive smoker, but sometimes…

"Looking at you like this, standing at the end of the driveway almost reminds me of the first day you came home. Except it's a different driveway and it's a different you".

Ryan turned around to see Sandy making his way towards him. His hands tensed. "Did Marissa tell you I was here?"

Sandy nodded in reply. "Can I have a cigarette?"

Ryan turned his back towards him before he shrugged nonchalantly and lighted a cigarette and gave it to him.

Sandy took a deep drag from it as he too turned to stare at the ocean. The silence between them lengthened, and then became painful.

"I thought you didn't smoke?" Ryan finally asked.

"Well, there is a first time for everything."

Ryan lips curled slightly, as his jaws clenched "well, apparently for many other things too…"

Sandy sighed, running his hands through his graying hair. Suddenly he felt as if he had aged another ten years. "Look, I did what I thought was the best. And maybe it was wrong and maybe it could have been done differently, but I did what any parent would do".

"You lied to me Sandy" Ryan voice shook as he said the words. "I never expected it and you lied to me".

"And saved a young girl from breaking down and a young boy from throwing away his future. I am not going to apologize for what I did, coz given the chance I would do it again. Look. I know you are hurting, and if you don't want me I will walk out of here and never show you my face again but I just want you to know that even when I leave, I will never leave you".

For a moment both of them stared at each other. When Ryan didn't say anything, Sandy turned and began walking down the road.

"You know, Marissa doesn't have anybody to give her away, I was wondering if you would agree to do that" Ryan said softly.

Sandy turned and gave him a smile. "I would love to do that." before Ryan enveloped him in a hug.

Smiling at each other they both began walking up the driveway. Raising his hands, Ryan removed the still burning cigarette form Sandy's lips.

"There is no smoking in the house".

Sandy smiled. The kid had grown up.


	18. the wedding surprise

**_AN:) whew!!! finally the end of my story... last post. Aww, i feel so sad. writng it has been one of the most amazing experience that i have evr had... and the reviews that i recieved were so awsme that i kinda feel so nostalgic that i am about to end it. i wanted to thank all those who reviewed so deligently..._** shal 83, partyfever, summer davis, newportz princess, J7 chick, cherrycola12, shawnn052, kursk, RMFan, gorgeous moi, Imilk, Jenny and all those who bothered to read. but a very special thank you is in order to RJmoonSpell and CohenAtwood, who have reviewed this fic right from the start and given me the motivation to keep writing and finally completing it. seriously guys, without you, i would have given up long ago.

The beautiful chapel was situated right along the beach side. The orange glow of the California sky cast an almost surreal shadow on it. The white drapes covered the small area of the beach where a multitude of chairs and tables were scattered, all covered in pale pink ribbons and silk pink table cloths. The gentle breeze wafted the smell of the perfectly arranged gardenias towards the elegantly dressed guests. It wasn't a huge number, not by Newport standards anyways. But it was an eclectic number. Only people who had meant a lot to the couple had been invited. There was Luke… who had come with his second wife, Rebecca. There was Anna… who had just gotten engaged with the guy who worked at the sailing company that she had started, there was Teresa… who was looking stunning as usual as she came with her little kid (who was not so little anymore seeing as he had bought a girl along with him). She was still single but was hoping to find the perfect father for her kid, there was Arturo and Teresa's mom, Chili who was still bizarro Seth, except he had become even more bizarre, if that was possible, a couple of Ryan's friends from Berkeley, Jason, who had of course come alone, Dawn, sober for five years now and happy with her boyfriend and last but definitely not the least, Taylor, who had breezed in with a smile on her face and a second husband on her arm. There was an undercurrent of excitement that could be felt in the air, like something good and beautiful and right and perfect was about to happen, and the already gathered people who were silently laughing and chatting as they waited for the bride to arrive were basking in its glory. It was simple, elegant, and beautiful. It was perfect.

It was his wedding day… And Ryan Atwood was nervous as hell!

He was standing next to Seth, his eyes fixed on the entrance. Where was she? He shifted his weight from one leg to the other. He couldn't stand still. She was supposed to have entered five minutes ago. Summer had entered long back as she had winked at him and taken her place as the bridesmaid. He tried catching her eye wanting to ask her what the deal was, but she herself was looking apprehensively at the door, which to Ryan was not a good sign. He felt the knot in his stomach tighten another ten fold. Where was she? Had she changed her mind?

"Dude, for your sake, I sincerely hope she hasn't seen the movie 'the runaway bride'" Seth muttered from beside causing Ryan to almost whirl around on him.

"Seth! " Ryan growled "you are not helping."

"Sorry… it's just the names Maggie and Marissa sound so similar, which, in case you are wondering, is the name of Julia Roberts in that movie." Seth was babbling... more than usual, which was a sure sign that he himself was nervous.

Ryan turned around fully intending to kick Seth's ass right there and then, but the next words caught in his throat and his brain ceased to function and an entirely different expression lighted his eyes as he stared at the door.

There in front of his eyes, stood a vision... a vision of an Angel in white!

He swallowed hard, the lump in his throat almost doubling in size as he saw marissa at the doorway. She was wearing an off shoulder white gown that hugged her upper body perfectly as it flared at her waist. She had left her blonde hair loose around her shoulders and they were adorned with little flowers. The sun streamed inside from the open doorway as it cast an almost surreal halo around her.

But it was more than that.

It was the fact that she was going to become his, that she had dressed this way for him and only him, that literally took his breath away… he was never going to forget this moment or the way she had looked, if he lived to be a hundred.

"Oh My God…" he breathed, the word flowing out of his mouth and he hadn't even realized he had made any sound.

Her head held proud she began moving towards him then, as the orchestra played, the music rising to a crescendo.

Slowly their eyes met through the veil… and held. A shy smile began forming on her face and he felt his entire being lit up from within. Sandy was walking beside her, but he could hardly see him, hardly see anything except her. She looked so beautiful, it hurt. Was she for real? Was she really his? He felt proud... he felt amazed and he felt unbelievably lucky!

He gave her his hand as she neared him and shyly she placed her hand in his, like she had done the first time, like she was going to do for the rest of her life. She turned around to face him as he slowly lifted her veil and for a moment he remembered that 16 year old girl that he had met in the driveway. He felt the familiar spark, the familiar connection as thier eyes connected. Nothing between them had changed. And he doubted if it ever would.

**_"Do you Ryan Atwood; take Marissa Cooper to be your lawfully wedded wife?" _**

Never taking his eyes off her, he mumbled "I do"

**_"And do you, Marissa Cooper, take Ryan Atwood to be your lawfully wedded husband?" _**

She smiled at him as she replied confidently, "I do"

**_"With the power vested in me, I now pronounce you as man and wife… you may now kiss the bride…" _**

With trembling fingers he drew her to him as he slowly kissed her, tenderly, softly, passionately, conveying to her all that he couldn't put into words, all that she had meant to him over the years. And suddenly he wanted to thank God, for giving him the sense to steal a car.

Marissa put her entire being into that kiss, all her emotions, all her feelings, all her love, into that one kiss. She thought of all that they had been through and all the feelings that had never changed, of how she still felt like a sixteen year old girl being kissed by him for the first time on the Ferris wheel, and she knew what she was going to tell her grand children. She was going to say, that it had been the smartest move of her life, the day she had bummed a cigarette off him.

Julie was almost crying as she hugged Neil, "my baby is getting married… my Marissa is getting married".

Kirsten clutched Sandy's hand, as she gave him a soft kiss, both looking like proud parents of two, rather than one.

Summer had a wide grin on her face as she looked over their shoulder at Seth and silently winked ,mouthing "I love you" at him.

Seth smiled… and then purposely coughed. "Okay you two… break it up. There are kids in the audience, and we don't want them aping you… at least not yet. Plus, the food is getting cold, and I can feel my stomach growling…"

Trust Seth to break the moment. Ryan and Marissa slowly drew apart, Ryan's hand resting by her waist as she leaned into him. They both had goofy grins on their faces.

"So… Mrs. Atwood. You want to dance???" he whispered in her ear.

She tilted her head to one side as she looked up at him mischieviously. "Will I have to teach you like the first time?"

He smiled, remembering the first time she had taught him to dance. Everything had been so differnt then, she had been dating Luke, and he was the boy from Chino who burnt down houses.

"Let's see shall we… where does my hand go?" he asked, teasing her.

"On my shoulder…" she said mock seriously.

Ryan placed his hand rigidly on her shoulder almost slapping her, aping the first time almost exactly.. "Like this?"

She smiled goofily up at him. "Lower…"

Slowly he drew his hand down, his hard calloused fingers rubbing erotically on her smooth skin and she gasped, the smile dying on her lips as she felt that familiar spark rush right up to her toes.

"No." she said, pulling him to her, as her mouth colliding with his. "Like this!"

He smiled into the kiss. Slowly they drew apart as Marissa rested her head on Ryan's shoulder and both of them swayed gently to the music, their feet moving in perfect accord.

"did you ever think that we'd be here?" marissa asked Ryan softly.

"Honestly speaking... i had hoped, even dreamed. but i just thought you were way out of my league". Ryan replied.

"i thought you were way out of my league", marissa said, surprising ryan even more.

Ryan looked at her seriously. "Really? i mean, how come???"

"i mean, i always thought back then,that i was the one dragging you down and you were better off without me..." marissa replied.

"and now?" ryan asked softly.

"Now i think that i would kick your ass if you ever left me!"

He wouldnt leave her anyways. not for a day, not for a minute, not for a second!

"Not even married for a day, and already you have plans for kicking my ass!" he teased.

"oh i have plans for more than that" she whispered seductively

"cant wait!"

He couldn't keep the grin off his face. Not only was he now married to Marissa, but he had also found something out last to last night which had made him extremely happy. He had planned to keep his council and wait for her to tell him about it, but now he could contain it no longer. He wanted to look in to her eyes as she confirmed it.

"So when were you planning to tell me about the baby?" he asked, as nonchalantly as possible, raising his eyebrows.

Marissa gasped, then spluttered, then almost stepped on his toes. "What? How? How did you…?"

Ryan laughed, looking at her expression. "Riss, considering how much I love your breasts, did you really think that I wouldn't notice the slight change in them?"

"You… you… you really think you know it all don't you?" she had planned on telling him afterwards, maybe tonight, after they had made love. But looking at him, sooo happy and excited, she couldn't help but join in. This was way better anyways.

"Uh huh"

"Maybe I can still surprise you…" she replied mischievously, her eyes lighting up with a secret.

He looked at her, giving her a very cocky expression. "I sincerely doubt that!"

She pulled her to him as she whispered something in his ears.

Ryan stood rooted to the spot, almost forgetting that there were other dancing couples near by. He involuntarily stepped on Julie's toe, who was dancing near by. She growled. "Just because you married my daughter does not mean you can step on my toes!"

"Sorry!" he hastily mumbled, before turning his attention back to his wife…

"Really?" he asked her incredulously.

"Like seriously?" he muttered, unable to believe, as a wide goofy grin spread on his face.

"We are having twins?" he almost shouted with joy.

Marissa laughed at his expression and gave him a confirmatory nod. Before she knew it he had pulled her into the tightest bear hug possible as he rained kisses on every part of her face.

"OMG we are having twins. We are having twins!" he picked her up in his arms and twirled her round and round before dropping her and taking her lips in a hot, passionate kiss. It was the best surprise Ryan could have ever hoped for.

Many of the guests had stopped dancing as they looked at the young couple with a bemused expression on their faces. None of them had been near enough to actually hear about the baby… or the babies. But in spite of not knowing the reason, they all smiled happy smiles at the cute looking couple who appeared so in love with each other. None were surprised by this uncharacteristic or socially inappropriate display of affection.

They were Ryan and Marissa after all…

Neither the bride and the groom, nor the guests noticed the lone man standing a few feet away as he stared at the couple. He looked heavenwards, and then looked at them as a silent prayer escaped his lips. What had happened was right, what had happened was what would have happened long ago, if it hadnt been for him. He had blamed himself for too many years, and when he had heard that she had died, he had. He wanted to go near them and congratulate them. But he had hurt them too many times, too much, for him to ever have the guts to do that.

He had never meant to hurt them.

He had never meant to fall in love with his brother's wife.

He had never meant to almost rape her.

He had burnt all his bridges. Looking at them so happy and together, he prayed that finally he could forgive himself. he had been rotting in hell for the past so many years.

And for once he wanted to be the good guy, do the right thing, like his brother would.

Trey Atwood smiled, the first real smile in years, as he turned and walked away.


End file.
